Sunday, October 16, 2016

What every girl should have in her office cubicle.

Hey guys! So in your experience of thumbing through glossy pages of Cosmo and her world (the now old school version of scrolling through...

Hey guys!

So in your experience of thumbing through glossy pages of Cosmo and her world (the now old school version of scrolling through your Facebook newsfeed), you may have come across articles that go something along the lines of...
And seriously, have you seen what they list in these articles? "Natural looking nail polish". "Scented candles". "Deodorant remover sponge". "Cell phone charger". Hey seriously, these are not practical things to put on a list. Let me break it down for you.
(As suggested by Business Insider).

Natural looking nail polish? What are you thinking about? That people will spontaneously need to do their nails in the middle of the day? Seriously, there is a limit to how frivolous you can be. While it is okay to pick up some nail polish on a whim and paint them at your desk, having nail polish at your table because it's a necessity is a bit stupid.
(Via Zuna Naturals, as suggested by Darling Darlings).

And scented candles. Where do you work in? A spa?! It's the most ridiculous suggestion ever. Don't you have paper on your desk? Doesn't that make candles a fire hazard? The only time candles are permitted in the office is when they are on birthday cakes. If any of my colleagues started burning scented candles in the office I swear I would douse it in lighter fluid and watch as her table burns down in flames.
(As suggested by Business Insider).

And "Deodorant remover sponge". Like what? It's a normal occurrence to suddenly spot huge patches of deodorant on your clothes? Handy to have around maybe, but necessity? I would like to point out that if this is a regular occurrence for you then you are clearly using deodorant wrongly. But if you're worried about the odd patch now and then, just put the sponge next to the washing machine and do your deodorant removing antics when you're doing the laundry for goodness sake.

ALSO, CELLPHONE CHARGER. Not even additional charger. Like, you are reminding someone to have a cell phone charger, in the office. Are you assuming that your readers came straight from the year 2000? You might as well tell readers that they need their laptops at their office desk.

My point is that all these lists don't seem to be very well thought through. So, I have a better list which is prepared after my half a decade's worth of office experience. Read and learn how you can better fare in the only place of solace in the corporate world which is your cubicle.

#1 Blazer.

I always have blazers in the office. Not blazer. Blazers. 4 at each time maybe. Blazers are great. You can wear tank tops, dresses with huge cut-outs at the back, and no one will know the difference. You can have the sloppiest outfit on but still look like the smartest person in the room because you just happened to throw something collared on top.
And then after work you just shrug your blazer off and casually saunter away like you made the effort to change into a totally different outfit. Blazers are great! Oh and they also protect you from the cold. So there's that as well.

#2 Hand cream.

So I don't know if this happens in your office, but in my office, there are sometimes throngs of new people who get hired at once. And when this happens they have to up to every single person in the office to shake hands and introduce themselves. I am not very important so usually when it comes to my turn I'm like more than 30 people behind.
(Via Giphy).

Which is fine. I like meeting new people. I like having new colleagues. New colleagues means more people to share the work with. BUT. I don't like shaking hands after you've shaken like 30 hands before me. Sorry, but your hand will inevitably be sweaty, clammy, and riddled with the germs and bacteria from 30 people before me. And goodness knows what they were doing before they came into contact with your hand.
(Via Buzzfeed).

So, sometimes when I hear people coming, I make a huge display of putting on hand cream. "Sorry, I would shake your hand but I just put on hand cream and I don't want to be disgusting." That way I appear both considerate and memorable as the weird hand cream girl. But it's okay. As long as I don't have to touch some germy hands.
I have no blazer on because someone walked past as I had all my blazers draped over me and I had to pretend that I was doing a blazer stock take.

#3 Hand sanitiser.

Because sometimes you can't hear them coming and you inevitably have to shake their sweaty hands. And of course sometimes you want to snack and it's better to handle food with clean, alcohol-cleansed hands.

#4 Sanitary pads/tampons.

Since we were talking about sanitation, I would like to say having a stash of pads and tampons in the office is a necessity. I don't know why people don't put it on their lists. I mean, I know people don't have it. I have given away so many pads to people who go around begging for them once a month.
(Via Giphy).

And I don't know why people don't have them in the office. It's not like they take up a lot of space. You can stuff a few tampons into each pocket of your blazer and you're good for the rest of the month (See? Blazers are better than cardigans in that sense). And if you have secret snacks in your desk drawer, you can hide them under the pads because serious, which psycho would go rummaging through your sanitary pads?
(Via Giphy).

But you know, whilst it's important to have a stash of sanitary pads and tampons in our office desk, it's equally important to be discrete about it. Like my male colleague once found this in a desk that he had taken over.
Girls, please remember to clear out all your feminine hygiene products when you move out of your office and also, if you want to get a pouch to put your pad, please choose something that doesn't scream "I CONTAIN SANITARY PADS".

#5 Tissue paper.

Tissue paper is very important. Let's say you are in possession of some snacks and someone comes over wanting some. The person might just reach into your can of Pringles to grab a handful. That is unsanitary. I don't need your arm going into my Pringles can. Goodness knows what funky organisms are living in the dense ecosystem that is your arm hair.
(Via Coub).

So you need tissue paper to pour your Pringles out so that you can share them with this hairy thing without worrying about bits of their arm hair later ending up stuck between your teeth. And also, tissue paper is very useful for other things as well. Like blowing your nose, wiping up spills, and for posing with in photos.

#6 Mirror.

No it's not for you to touch up your make up. It's so that you can see when your boss is coming so that you can minimise your Facebook/ Amazon/ Qatar Airways windows.
It's also important of course, to remember to check the mirror so that your boss doesn't stumble upon you booking last minute flights to Shanghai.

#7 Slippers.

Because your shoes hurt. Because you have smelly feet. And most importantly, because you never know when it might rain and you don't want to squelch around awkwardly in cold and soggy shoes.
(Via Giphy).

I mean, slippers are ideal. But it's no harm having a whole arsenal of shoes in addition to your slippers.
(Half of my office shoe collection. Because you never know when one shoe might give way).

Bonus: Nail polish remover.

I would have ended my list there, but I just wanted to add nail polish remover to the list. It's not a necessity, but I only remember to remove my chipping nail polish in the office. Never when I'm at home.

So if you happen to be someone who exclusively remembers to clean up her 3 week old manicure in the office, put some nail polish remover in your desk drawer. It's a good way to make sure you don't wander around with you leaving a trail of nail polish flakes in your wake.

Anyway! Sorry this came out later than I expected but, you know, taking selfies at work isn't as simple as it's made out to be. But here's a great song to sing at work to end this post.

❤ Jac.

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