Monday, June 06, 2016

Things I Won't Do At My Wedding.

Hi guys! So if you haven't heard....

Hi guys!

So if you haven't heard....
That's right! I'm engaged. Yeah guys, you can relax now. You're safe. I now have a keeper to make sure I don't go rampaging around town in the middle of the night. Or try to at the very least.
Anyway, long story short, James proposed, I said yes, and as custom dictates, we're getting married. And there are lots of people asking us about when we're going to hold our wedding, what we're doing for our wedding, what kind of dress I'm going to wear, where we're holding it, and so and so forth. And seriously...
(Via Buzzfeed).

Yeah. That's right. We haven't figured out all the details because we're too busy watching House of Cards and the new season of Top Gear (which sucks), but here's a list of things that we're NOT going to do at our wedding.

#1. Gatecrashing.

Okay. If you're unfamiliar with how this works, this is the part of the programme where the groom goes to the brides house to fetch her to the location of the wedding. Or something like that.

Which is normal and acceptable. Except that traditionally, you have a bunch of bridesmaids who will ambush the poor groom and his groomsmen and make him carry out a series of ridiculous and arduous tasks.
(Via MTV).

And one inevitable challenge that is befall the unfortunate groom is that of downing some foul concoction consisting of ingredients from the sour, sweet, bitter, and spicy flavour categories. You know, to symbolise how you will stick together in the thick and thin, in sickness and in health and what have you.
(Via Buzzfeed).

And then the bridesmaids will have to try an coerce the groom into making him give them money in order for him to access the house to whisk the bride away.
(Via Giphy).

OKAY. SO FIRSTLY. I will assume that James will be in a suit when we get married. A suit ok. Suits are not cheap. And they are also rather warm. Do you know what the temperature in Singapore is like? 30 degrees if you are lucky. Do you know what the temperature in a suit is like?
(Via Giphy).

It is 1000 degrees. Why would I want James to run around and sweat in his suit. It will make him sweaty and smelly. Why would I want to marry a sweaty and smelly James? If the intention of the wedding is for it to be memorable, then I better make sure he doesn't look and smell like he just finished one of his daily runs right?
(Via Giphy).

Also back to the suit. Suits are not like the clothes I buy at Forever 21. They are expensive ok. Why would I want him to sweat in it. Sweat in cheaper clothes ok. Or better still, sweat naked so that your smelly clothes won't stink up the laundry basket.
(Via Buzzfeed).

Next, I don't understand why the groom has to be forced to eat disgusting things. THERE IS NO POINT. I know it's supposed to be symbolic but truly it sound traumatic and unnecessary, If I wanted James to do something traumatic and unnecessary I would ask him to I don't know, paint his fingernails or something.

Also you know what will happen once he downs the vile concoction? He will get bad breath. And what will happen after that? He will kiss me. Or knowing James, he will threaten me with his bad breath, and then kiss me. Now, WHY WOULD I WANT THAT. HELLO?!
(Via Buzzfeed).

Finally, this hongbao bribe thing that the groom is supposed to pay the bridesmaids. Now, first and foremost, I do not like whiny girls. I do not condone whiny girls in any form. I especially will not condone my own friends whining at fiancé. It is unacceptable.
(Via Imgur).

Also, I don't understand why James has to pay money to see me. Excuse me, he already bought me an engagement ring. That is payment enough. Why must he pay other people also?

Sorry if you were looking forward to this James. But I'm sure you can sweat, be smelly, eat disgusting things, and throw money around at your own time instead of the morning of our wedding.

#2 That cheesy Powerpoint Presentation.

When you go to some weddings, you notice that you are shown a Powerpoint Presentation of the most cringe-worthy moments of a couple's relationship. A nice and supposedly romantic montage of photos of notes that they penned to each other over the years, the gifts that they had showered each other with, and all the lovey-dovey moments of them kissing, hugging and what have you.

All put together with Windows 95 animation with elevator music playing in the background and corny one liners like "You're the only one who makes my heart skip a beat" floating across the screen.
(Via Giphy).

No way I am going to be compared with premature ventricular contractions.

#3 March-in of the food.

So I don't know if you've noticed, but I think it's quite typical for there to be a march in of the food that will be served to guests at wedding banquets.

NO. We will not have that. Why should the food march-in okay? What is so special about the food? Are they carried on gold platters encrusted with diamonds? Are the people carrying the serving platters supermodels? NO.
(Via Giphy).

Why does the food deserve so much attention ok! I do not understand. The highlight of wedding should be the bride and groom. So if there is any marching done, it should be done by the bride and groom. Or an army of stormtroopers.
(Via The Wrap).

If you want to look at extravagant displays of food, then don't disappoint yourself by going to a random person's wedding. Go to Benihana. They do it better there.

#4 Speeches by everyone.

Okay. I like listening to speeches. But only if they are good. The problem with weddings is that they make everyone who is the slightest bit related to the bride and groom deliver a speech. And, we all know, not everyone can deliver speech with the same flair as say, Barney Stinson.
(Via Giphy).

So, you end up listening to the awkward stuttering best man talk about their drunk memories in Zouk throwing up. Or the father of the groom saying that he's happy that the bride is well-educated. Or, and this is my favourite, the random bridesmaid who surprises everyone with a song that she wrote for the happy couple at the spur of the moment. And FYI, she can't sing.
(Via Giphy).

I don't know why people will feel compelled to force their friends to make speeches on how wonderful they are. Why at my wedding, I will be the best candidate to stand up and praise myself. Why should other people think they are more qualified do it on my behalf?
(Via Her Campus).

Also I have listened to my good friend deliver a speech I wrote once. HAHAHA. As a gracious host, I will ensure that he will not be speaking at my wedding.

#5 Changing outfits multiple times.

From what I understand, wedding dresses are expensive. And you only get to wear them once in your life. I mean you can wear them again, but you know, it'll be super awkward and everyone will think you're weird.

So, obviously, what you have to do is to make the most out of the one day that you get to wear this really expensive dress. So you know, wear it from morning to night. Make the most of the money that you spent on this one stupid dress which possibly costs more than your entire wardrobe.
(Via ET Online).

That's the most logical thing to do if you ask me. So what I don't understand, is when people insist on changing their outfit like six times through the entire dinner and make you watch as they strut around the ballroom. I don't understand!! By changing you outfit, you clearly are not making the most of the money you spent on your very expensive wedding dress!

And maybe the argument is that you need people to see you parade around in your fancy clothes. But you know, you can parade around in your fancy clothes any day. Do it in town on a weekend. Everyone will stare at you. It will be just like parading around the ballroom, just you know, with even more attention which I'm sure is what you are looking for.
(Via Giphy).

So that's really most of the things that we won't be doing at our wedding. There's really only one thing I'm looking very forward to at the moment. And that's doing this:
(Via Giphy).

COME ON. THIS LOOKS AWESOME. Okay. And now I'm going to sleep. Gah. I hate Mondays. But here's a video for you because I'm in a good mood for a Sunday.

❤ Jac.

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  1. Your wedding will be a hoot. LOL. Looking forward to the stormtroopers by the way.