I'm Single, Deal with It.

Hello.

I had initially wanted to title this post "I'm single, fuck you". But I was afraid it might have given off the impression that that was the line I used when I was invited to a swingers party. So I rephrased it.

The reason why I'm writing this rather angsty post is sadly/happily, I'm single. Yeah, deal with it. I am dealing with it and I don't see why can't you.

So, let me share some irritating things that people like to ask/say to you upon hearing that you've broken up.

1. "I know I'm not the right person to ask, but...."

Seriously. Someone asked me this. On Facebook. I still have his number in my phone but I guess he deleted mine. But I guess it's important for him to know. Because you know, he is the ex-bf of a friend who had recently bought an executive condo with her soon-to-be fiance (because in Singapore you buy the house before you propose). But CLEARLY, if you know that you are not the right person to ask me things, then SURELY, you should not be asking me anything. Disclaimer or not. Omg. No wonder my friend broke up with you.

2. "Oh. But I liked XXX."
Then please by all means, get gay and go and be his next bf, bitch.

3. "Stay strong"/"Hang tough".

WTF. Seriously. Do you not think that I am capable of handling a break-up? Because of my wonderful ability to find love in hopeless places/ get together with the wrong people/ ruin relationships, I have trained myself to handle break-ups quite well thank you very much. Of course, getting through the previous one took lots of alcohol, tears and self-degradation, but we all learn, don't we?

(And to my credit, most people saw only the alcohol, and thank you Nessie, Cameron, Serene, James, Audrey, and Zixing for umm....let's call it hearing me out 3+ years ago.)

Also, hang tough. Really??!!! What does this phrase even mean? Do you even know? Because I really didn't. So I went onto Urban Dictionary.
And clearly you either think I'm the type to go running back to my ex-es, or that you support my very secret desire to morph into a black balding man with dreadlocks. Sorry, did my constant posting of black rapper music get you confused?

4. "When are you getting a new bf?"

Okay. I am very confused by this question which many people have been asking me. Have I missed out on the news of the opening of a new boyfriend-selling concept store? Because last I checked, getting a new bf isn't like buying clothes. You can't just decide it like "Okay, today I want to get a new tank top." then waltz into H&M to buy a tank top for $7 to make yourself look like an orange traffic cone. Fuck, it isn't even like wanting to buy a Chanel bag where you can say "Okay, its gonna cost me $4k. So, I think I'll save for 3 months before getting it."

HELLO THIS IS A BOYFRIEND FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. IT IS NOT LIKE I CAN DECIDE WHEN I AM GOING TO MEET THE PSYCHOPATH WHO DECIDES THAT I AM THE ONE FOR HIM RIGHT??!!!

5. "Maybe you need time to find yourself."

What does this statement even mean? I am sitting in front of my laptop. Why do I need to find me when I was never lost in the first place.

"Jac, you are being picky. These people are just trying to make you feel better." Okay point taken. Let me share some acceptable things to do when you want to comfort a person who has just broken up. So you know, you can do it right the next time.

1. Give cookies.

My colleague gave me some cookies she made. I had quite a good time eating them and pretending that I was the conqueror of all cookies.

2. Offer to take him/her drinking.
Whether this happens or not is not the point. The point is that alcohol, whether imaginary or real, always helps.

3. Come up with imaginary scenarios where everyone wins. 
Thank you Nessie. I love you always and I look forward to our boating expedition.

4. Use your EQ and say non-stupid things.

You don't need to do a lot of brain work to do this. Some fine examples of safe and idiot proof responses would be the "Oh no, what happened?" or the "Oh no, when?". If you are the slightly more daring sort, you can always go with the "I never liked him anyway."

I have also recently picked up a new phrase.
A very good line to respond to a Facebook status I feel.

Anyway, I'd like to thank everyone for their concern. I'm slightly angsty but otherwise normal. And unless I tell you otherwise, I'm fine. Thank you.


Okay this is all. Now I will go back to playing Words with Friends.

❤ Jac.

(PS: People who have just broken up are angsty and are entitled to one HATE-THE-WORLD post. Promise that my next post will be better and less emo-angsty.)