Thursday, April 12, 2018

The (perceived) Joys of Pregnancy.

Hey guys! So some updates on my life. I've got a new nephew. I wanted to start calling him "newphew" because I thought it ...

Hey guys!

So some updates on my life. I've got a new nephew. I wanted to start calling him "newphew" because I thought it would be funny. However, I've kept this to myself because I felt that everyone would judge me. Until now. One month later and I feel that my wit should be appreciated.

Which brings me to my next point. Pregnancy must be AWESOME. Well, I mean, it must be miserable not being able to have caffeine, alcohol, sashimi, raw steak, oysters, fun, joy, and life. But hey, sometimes I am deprived of such things for three hours in a meeting so I guess it's kind of the same thing. For an extended period of time of course. But let me tell you some good points about pregnancy, from a very unique and frivolous point of view. You have been warned. Also JSYK I'm not pregnant okay.

#1 Everyone is scared of you.

Like I consider myself to be a fairly scary individual. Not because I am particularly impressive, nor because I command a certain level of respect.
(Via Giphy).

No I'm not Regina George scary. I'm more like one of the pathetic puny people panicking in the background. I'm scary because I am psychotic and unpredictable and can lapse into a manic fit at the flip of a switch. More like this.
(Via Giphy).

And everyone kind of stares at you weirdly and wish you weren't there because all you're really making them feel is awkward and uncomfortable. I'm that kind of scary. TLDR: people feel scared of me because they would much rather not be in close proximity to me. 

On the other hand, pregnant people command a certain level of respect and they strike a chord of  fear in people's hearts. Or in my heart at least.
Pregnant woman wants to eat? LET ME GO DOWN AND BUY FOOD FOR YOU IN CASE YOU STARVE.
Pregnant woman standing in public transport? GET UP BITCH LET HER AND HER UNBORN CHILD SIT.
Pregnant woman carrying lots of stuff? ARE YOU CRAZY GIVE ME SOME OF THAT.
Yes that's me and pregnant women. You should have seen me at my wedding. My friend Edwina, who was like 30 weeks pregnant or something, flew all the way to Greece to attend it (with doctor's approval). I was all like OMG THANKS OMG SIT DOWN OMG OMG PLS LET YOUR SISTER ATTEND MY WEDDING AS WELL AND SIT WITH YOU NO NO DON'T GIVE ME HONGBAO FOR YOU SISTER.
You think I'm exaggerating but I'm really not. If I can barely take care of myself, I don't know how pregnant women do it. So, kudos to them. Much respect, please take my seat and don't stomp me if I'm inadvertently sleeping.

Also for info, Edwina went on to travel the Greek islands with her then-unborn child and sister in tow. Also, that's her third child. Please take a moment to thank her for her service to the nation.

#2 You can eat a lot.

From what I've heard, being pregnant prevents you from consuming a lot of the stuff you like. Caffeine. Alcohol. Rare steak. But when one door closes, another opens. While you may not be able to eat lots of stuff that you like, the door world of other very appealing food, which you previously banned yourself from gorging, opens.
(Via Giphy).

I know people say you're technically not supposed to eat for two. But hey I am one person and I'm already eating for a tribe of ten. Might as well have a semi-legit reason to eat even more. And also you can indulge in so many different kinds of food now, and blame your cravings on the baby.
(Via Giphy).

Like prata. I love prata. I don't eat prata a lot because apparently too much is bad for me and also because there is no prata near my house. BUT, I heard that if you are pregnant, people are just dying to cater to your every whim, and like buy the food that you are craving for (eg. me in my example above).

If I were pregnant, I would ask for prata from Upper Thomson every single day. And also McDonalds. I love McDonalds. But do I eat it often? No. Damn this James and his healthy eating.
(Via Giphy).

#3 More reasons to shop.

I love shopping, and I suppose most people feel the same way. The problem about shopping is that sometimes you can't rightly justify your purchases. I mean, sure I can do with a new top. But do I really need it? Can I justify my purchase? Usually the answer is no, but I buy it anyway. I mean, there is only so much that one top can differ from another but...more is always merrier.

But being pregnant opens up a whole new world of shopping opportunities! You can buy a whole new wardrobe to fit your growing figure. You can buy small little tiny clothes for your upcoming child. You can buy toys that you previously felt guilty about even considering because while you have the personality of a child, you have the identity of an adult. You can buy that hipster camera you've always wanted because of course you have to document the growth of your child. WOW THE POSSIBILITIES ARE ENDLESS.
(Via Giphy).

You can even buy big bouquets of plush dragons because when you previously had nothing to do with them once the laughs were over, you can now safely buy them, comforted by the knowledge that they will bring some child so much happiness after you pass them on.
And that $14 rabbit onesie you saw on Tao Bao? Surely you can buy it and make your husband dress up as the Easter bunny for the benefit of the kids. Life cannot be better.

#4 Great time to exercise.

Okay so I think, pregnancy is a great time to try out all those hipster frivolous activities that you've always wanted to try, but couldn't bring yourself to. Like yoga. I don't think I can stand the thought of sitting in a class, acting all zen and namaste. I would be bad at it. Or hip-hop dancing. I have no hand-eye coordination, and no sense of rhythm. Or barre. I heard it requires a lot of core strength. Do I have core strength? No I do not.
(Via Giphy).

BUT IF YOU WERE PREGNANT, you have an excuse? Oh you sat up in the middle of yoga because you can't be bothered with breathing in and out? Baby just kicked, he doesn't believe in staying still. Making up your own ridiculous moves during dance? Baby got my hormones in a flux, working on a different tempo here. Suddenly collapsed in a heap during pilates because your midsection is all fat and no muscle? Baby made me do it.
(Via Giphy).

Wow. It's really a great time to sample all these frivolous classes, have an excuse to appear inept during the trial, and then decide what you'd like to continue with once you give birth. I think it sounds amazing.

#5 Blame the pregnant brain.

So my memory is pretty poor, and I've no excuse for it. The only reason why I can remember what I had for dinner 2 hours ago is because I consume exactly the same food everyday. Yes, I am not a foodie. But that's another story for another time.

But if you are pregnant, WOW. You can just blame the baby you are creating in your uterus for your memory lapses. Walked to the wrong bus stop to get to work? Pregnant brain. Tapped your EZ-link card against your door in a bid to open it? Pregnant brain. Spent 30 minutes searching for your phone which was in your back pocket? Pregnant brain. Bad at maths? Pregnant brain.
(Via Buzzfeed).

And the excuses are not just limited to your brain of course. Like, sorry I can't respond to you right now, I'm busy making a right hand. Life would be great!

Okay I've come to the end of the list of the joys of pregnancy. I would like to of course caveat that I am not pregnant at all, and these are some of my thoughts stemming from the advent of my newphew. I also understand that pregnancy is tough and blah blah blah. I also said that this is a frivolous post from the start. Omg people these days. So touchy.

Ok! And now I'll leave you with a great song.


Happy Thursday!
❤ Jac.

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