Monday, October 09, 2017

#Adulting: The Husband Test.

Hello guys! So recently I've been doling out lots of grown-up advice. Like, during the past week, I have given advice on renovations...

Hello guys!

So recently I've been doling out lots of grown-up advice. Like, during the past week, I have given advice on renovations, fridge buying, sodastream purchasing, and emailing people you don't like while sounding professional. I don't know if what I said was useful. I mean I quite like my renovated house, I'm very happy with my fridge, and my sodastream is great. But maybe all the people I dislike are reading my emails and going like, "Who's this paggro bitch?!"
(Via Giphy).

Might explain why some people don't reply my emails.

Anyway, recently I have seen people sharing all these articles on Facebook where you supposedly learn all the signs which you can expect if you met Mr Right, if you're dating the right person, if you should marry the guy.
Bustle: 13 Little Signs You’re With The Right Person, Even If Your Relationship Is Difficult
Elite Daily: How To Know If You're In Love With The Right Person
Romper: 9 Signs You & Your Partner Are Meant To Get Married
Thought Catalog: 15 Signs He’s The Guy You Should Be With Forever
Like whatever. It's already bad enough that people are writing stupid articles which supposedly teach you how to find love in the most unexpected of places or how to know if you've found the love of your life, but WHY DO PEOPLE SHARE THEM?!! Like hello?! He is the one for you if he respects you for who you are, is always there for you, can make you laugh....what sort of nonsense signs are these? Like, if a person doesn't respect you, is never there for you, and doesn't make you laugh I don't even know why you need to be friends with them, let alone be in a relationship with them or marry them. Shouldn't the articles all then be "How to live you life - Use your common sense"?! Don't understand.
(Via Giphy).

Anyway, in line with my new advice dispensing persona, I thought I would share a comprehensive and accurate test comprising meaningful and challenging hurdles, which if all are overcome, will help you determine if the person you are dating is the one for you.

#1 The Alcohol Assessment.

The road to marriage is rife with challenges that the husband candidate needs to overcome. To ensure that he is worthy of venturing on the journey to accompany you for the rest of your life, he must first pass The Alcohol Assessment.

So this is a rather straightforward challenge. You go to a random bar selling shots, and you order one of everything on the menu. I think it's a perfectly reasonable challenge. I mean, you need to know that the guy you are potentially going to spend the rest of your life with is fun, and there is nothing more fun that alcohol.
(Via Giphy).

It's a great test of  tolerance and character. I mean, you can't marry someone who is a violent drunk right? Imagine the cost of replacing the broken televisions, window panes, and computers? Oh and of course, your safety may be compromised. Which is not good as well.
(Via Giphy).

Also I mean, if you want to marry someone, then you have to be wary of all your future considerations. Like, does he have strong genetic traits? Because it's important to marry someone who is a) not allergic to alcohol, b) has a strong bladder, and c) a functioning liver. All good traits that you would want your kids to inherit.

But I guess if alcohol is not your cup of long island tea then I guess you could I don't know, order one of every tea the TWG menu, or one of every coffee on the Starbucks menu, or one of every juice on the Boost menu. I don't know, you figure it out and let me know. I have never had the problem of not being able to consume alcohol.

Anyway,  in our case, James and I went to Chupitos. I love Chupitos. Anyway, here was the menu that we had.
And here is us and the aftermath of our outing.
Well part of it. We had a lot of drinks before that as well. This was what? Our second or third date? It was great. Poor James though. He thought that I would be a cheap date because I didn't care much for food. *shrugs* I can't help that I'm always thirsty.
(Via Giphy).

#2 The Penis Pilot.

Okay so the husband candidate can hold his alcohol. But how well does he deal unanticipated events? Will he take offence? Will he be grumpy? Or will he be a good sport about it? You need to understand how the husband candidate handles the unexpected because, let's be real — sh*t like this happens ALL THE TIME in life. And you can't possibly have someone who behaves like a jerk every time you are handed lemons by the cereal box of life.
(Via Giphy).

You see, girls sometimes can get temperamental when people steal their work chocolate or when they run out of Coke Light. So you need someone who is responsible enough to react accordingly. You can't have someone who further aggravates you when you are already in a foul mood.

Therefore, you need to make sure that the husband candidate can either handle situations in a) a calm and civil manner or b) with humour. Any other reaction is unacceptable. (Unless you were an idiot and  happened to murdered his pet or something) To see how he reacts you must put him in a situation where he may be a bit uncomfortable with. Me, I made James a wonderful welcome home from a week long trip to Paris with some tasty confections that I had whipped up — chocolate banana penises!
Now, James could have dismissed my chocolate banana penises and berated me for wasting money and time, but he was quite happy to indulge me. 
Also he finished all the chocolate banana penises by himself. I don't know if they were good, but he said that they tastes amazing. I hate banana you see. Also avocado. Like, I don't understand the appeal of mushy food items. You either chew, or drink. What's the craze over food which is not completely solid or completely liquid is totally beyond me.
(Via Giphy).

Of course, you don't have to make the husband candidate some chocolate banana penises. You can wear a really ugly dress and go out with him in public, buy him an obiang uncle hawaii shirt and see what he says, or cook him something terrible and see how he handles it. The sky is your creative limit!
(Via Giphy).

Also, in case you're interested, here's the recipe to make Chocolate Banana Penises.

#3 The Fear Factor.

So the husband candidate can hold his liqour and has the emotional maturity to deal with your crazy erratic meltdowns. But, how does he manage his fear? Can he protect you from the potential cockroaches, lizards, and other creepy crawlies with more than two legs? Or is he a scaredy cat?  
(Via Giphy).

You need a courageous husband who is not afraid of such things, and can protect you from all the evil things that crawl out of the drain and into your house. How do you ensure he can do this? You must scare him. Maybe put a rubber cockroach on his pillow. Or a rubber snake in his pocket. But what I did, was to hide a giant Stormtrooper in his bathroom.
So James came home and I pretended to be normal. Just chilling in the lounge watching TV, nothing suspicious at all. The James suddenly went, "JESUS CHRIST!". It was amazing. I mean he was scared, but you know, I think he dealt with his fear quite well, in that he immediately proceeded to hide the Stormtrooper in the spare bedroom. His mother was staying with us you see. Sadly for James, she wasn't scared by the Stormtrooper. But I had a wonderful time hiding the Stormtrooper around different parts of the house for the next few weeks.

Anyway, in conclusion, James startles easily, but he will manage his fear adequately. Since we have moved into our new place, James has successfully killed a cockroach half the size of an iPhone 5, and also tried to rescue a lizard that I had caught with a lizard trap. So you know, good for me.
(Via Giphy).

And BY THE WAY, the Stormtrooper was really big in case you were wondering. I had to carry it to the cab stand and get it all the way home. Also, my JC friend spotted me and happened to take a photo of this crazy girl lugging a Stormtrooper around.

#4 The Volcano Verification.

So we all know guys who go onto Facebook and make wild claims of their love for their significant other. Like I have heard of this guy who offered to do all sorts of heroic acts for the girl he loved — catch a grenade for her, throw his hand on blade for her, jump in front of a train for her, take a bullet straight through his brain for her... EH SERIOUSLY.
(Via Giphy).

While it is very touching and all that guys try to proclaim their bravery and dedication to their significant other, they are not being very realistic. Like, I mean the husband candidate can be very poetic, and say that he will carry out various acts of courage for you, the apple of his eye and the girl of his dreams. However, unless you are stupid enough to walk into a train or a war zone, it is highly unlikely that you will be able to ascertain the husband candidate's commitment to his daring claims.

So what you must do, is to put him in a situation where he must go through extreme environmental conditions in order to reach an end goal. You can do this by asking him to scale Mount Everest, trek across Antarctica, or dive into the deepest depths of the ocean. I would have asked James to do that. But we are quite broke and we can't afford whatever I just mentioned. So I settled for making him climb into a crater of an active volcano. Oh and the crater was of course, a pit of sulphurous fumes.
But now I know that James is a hardy man who is willing to go through physical hardship just to make me happy. So, I assume that he will be willing to go through a lot more to save my life should I do something stupid like walk into a war zone. And you should also test your husband candidate on this too! Make him prove that he can live up to his claims of him walking 500 miles to be with you.

For more about the trials and tribulations I put James through, here's the link to The Holiday in Hell.

#5 The Bungee Barometer.

So the husband candidate has passed all the tests so far, but is he willing to commit to you for the rest of his life? Is he husband material? He says yes, but how can you be sure? There's no test for the hypothetical leap of faith...OR IS THERE?

After our wedding, James and I went on a road trip around Greece. And do you know what they have in Greece? A shipping canal with a bridge. James loves ships. James also loves bridges.

Do you know what makes this particular bridge and canal so special? You can jump off it. Which is exactly what James and I did!
Poor James hates heights. But, poor James knew that if he didn't jump, I wouldn't be able to jump. You see, it was not the peak season in Greece. So the good people at Zulu Bungy (highly recommended by the way) wasn't open when we wanted to go. But I told them that we just got married and so they opened the place up just for us to jump together. So um, James jumped for me. HOW'S THAT FOR A LEAP OF FAITH HAHAHA.

Also the nice people offered to ask him if he still wanted to remain married to me as they pulled him up, and said that they could cut his cord if he said no. Luckily, he said yes. Anyway, it's a great test judging if your husband candidate is worthy of his wedding vows. I mean, if you don't want to get him to bungee jump, you could make him take the plunge and go cliff jumping....
Which we did in Greece. Greece is a great place to do such nonsense.

Anyway, I hope you have found this deterministic test for your respective husband candidates useful. But if you wanted something you know, more conventional then um, make sure he listens to you, takes care of you when you are unwell, respects your family, and  knows the right things to say when you are sad. Also here is a guide that you might find relevant to you: How to Develop Common Sense: 8 Steps (with Pictures) - wikiHow. With pictures even. 

And here's a good song because Calvin Harris.

Haiyah it's Monday.
❤ Jac.

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