Monday, August 21, 2017

The Birthday Protocol.

Hello guys! So last time I used to have lots of things to blog about because you know, angsty single individual. Wow did I have many iss...

Hello guys!

So last time I used to have lots of things to blog about because you know, angsty single individual. Wow did I have many issues when I was single. Now, I still have many issues but they are not as entertaining as what I faced in my previous life. Leaking water heater, softener issue with the washing machine, unevenly hung maps in the boring can life be?
Also, kindly ignore my pole in the middle of the picture. Also James said I have to take another photo after we complete our map wall.

Anyway, all is good. Such things can be solved quite easily with money. Last time, when I was dating stupid guys, what was I supposed to do? Put them through kindergarten again? No way man. It already failed in giving them common sense once. $2000 per month is not worth it for something which might fail again.

Anyhow, I was telling James that I had nothing to blog about and he suggested blogging about my birthday. Which is yet to arrive. You see, James doesn't care that much about his birthday, and I think it's something to do with the fact that it happily coincides with World Suicide Prevention Day.

I however, love to celebrate any occasion which gives me free things. You know, birthdays, Christmas, Starbucks 1-for-1. These are the days I live for. And I am very serious about my birthday because I think it's the only day of the year which celebrates me. Yes, sorry yoga loving, clean eating, self loving individuals, I cannot bring myself to celebrate my existence day after day. I like to pack it all into one day, and get presents and cake while I'm at it.
(Via Giphy).

So in case you're the type who doesn't know how to celebrate your existence on earth just for a day, here's how I do it.

#1 I don't work.

I have never worked on my birthday. I make it a point to take leave on my birthday every single year. I mean like, do you know how many things can go wrong if I have to go to work on my birthday? Here are some scenarios.
  • It might rain on my way to work and I will get drenched and my shoes will be soggy .

    and wet for the rest of the day.
  • The whole office might be on sick leave and I will have to do all the work.
  • People might talk to me and say irritating things which will annoy me.
  • I might get a difficult task just before I leave work and will have to work until

  • Someone might sneeze on me. 
You see? The possibilities are endless. It's a danger going to work on your birthday – there's a very high chance that your day might be ruined because of your eagerness to be present in the office. I rather not work and not use my brain to solve other people's problems in celebration of my existence.

I rather stay away, and focus on more important decisions in life. Cheesecake or chocolate cake? Ice cream or chocolate?
(Via Giphy).

Your birthday is a time of great dilemma. Don't stress yourself out by adding additional problems such as "How shall I politely tell this person that I don't care about this assignment that he wants my help in?" Don't invite trouble and go to work. Stay away from the office and eat some cake.
Also I went to work today and it turns out that there is a bug going around the office. So I am now sick. Now I may have to amend my protocol to ensure that I don't appear at work for one week prior to my birthday.

#2 I don't make plans.

As I was saying, my birthday is a time which I dedicate to celebrating myself and the most mental exercise that I should be doing would be to decide which bottle of Coke Light I should remove from the shelf.
So someone will have to plan my day for me. It's perfectly logical. I free myself from exerting any brain power, and I allow someone to spend some quality time with me in celebration of myself. Also, it excuses me of appearing self-centered by planning some celebrations in celebration of myself. Or sad. Sad works as well.
(Via Giphy).

So I'm very excited to not need to use my brain. A few years ago, when I was single and had no default person to go to to plan my birthday, Chengwei took the day off to bring me out. WOW. It was amazing. Even with the giant Hello Kitty and silver halo.
Good times. So yes, birthdays are a time for friends to show off their event planning skills. Not for me to showcase mine (which are impeccable btw).

#3 I get a pedicure.

So I'm not the most well-groomed person in the world – I have no patience for treatments, spas, massages and what have you. But I do like a nice set of well trimmed nails. And of course, the part where someone sloughs off all the dead skin on the soles of my feet. Like seriously! It's a wonder that my feet can even fit into my shoes with the amount of dead skin caked on my heels!

So every August, I go down to a nail salon to do my nails. I have no patience in doing manicures because they always get ruined before I step out of the shopping centre. But pedicures are still okay. I ruined this one while crossing the road on the way home from my pedicure. And the one before that I ruined on the same night it was done, I don't know how. Still, it can't beat the time where I ruined my manicure by scratching it with my engagement ring.
But it's nice to get my nails done sometimes. Because I can't be bothered to bend down to cut my own toenails when it's my birthday, really.
(With a chip on the big toe on the right foot).

Oh and by the way, August is also my hair cut month. Because, I need someone to wash my hair for me when my birthday is around the corner, of course.

#4 I go shopping.

So you know what happens when it's your birthday? You get discounts, rebates, and additional perks in possibly any shop that you go to! There's the 50% off at La Senza, 18% discount at Zalora, 10 to 20 % off at Tangs depending on your item, 5x points at Watsons and Muji, free cake at Starbucks and whatever free gift they give out at Sephora. I think I've covered all the ones I am familiar with.
And it's a shame to let that all go to waste. So it's really part of my duty to undertake the responsibility to use up all the coupons and discounts I'm offered before the month ends. Usually, I can't wait and this is done before my birthday. I still have my Zalora, Sephora, Muji, and some of my Tangs vouchers left. But wow do I have so many sets of new underwear now.
(Via Giphy).

It's a happy problem.

#5 I eat cake.

Which may not seem very different from many of you. I understand that most people have cake on their birthday, whether they like it or not.
(Via Giphy).

So I typically have lots of different cakes for my birthday. While many of the cakes might vary according to what is available and who chooses them for me, I always have two staples, the first being my Starbucks cake which comes free every August, and the other is my birthday cake. No, you don't understand. I have ONE birthday cake that I MUST HAVE every year since I was like ten or something. 

If you don't believe me, look! Two separate birthday, different coloured hair, same cake.
It's the Royal Praline Cake from Prego at Fairmont. It's supposedly 64% dark chocolate, 100% praline paste, alunga crunch and 100% delicious and worth the calories (to me). And I know people will try to persuade me otherwise, BUT NO. I LIKE THIS CAKE. My sister, who is the ultimate foodie, tried to buy me a different cake from a famous place for my birthday once. It was unsatisfactory. So now, this is the only birthday cake I will have. 

And it's not a boring cake. Come on! They change the designs every other year. Sometimes, they don't even have any fancy designs on and you can get the whole cake filled with words. Like how my sister did here.
Anyway, this cake. Wow. My birthday is not complete without it. And if you try to recommend another cake to me, or tell me that this other cake at this other place is better, then well, I'd like to refer you to this particular someecard.
(Via someecards).

Okay so I've come to the end of my list of requirements which I lay down for my birthday. If you don't like them then well, too bad. It's my birthday. Not yours.
(Via Giphy).

My suggestion is for you to have your own self-planned, office birthday party when your birthday comes around. Complete with cake you don't even like because someone is allergic to chocolate or something.

Okay! Now let me leave you with this very good song.

Have a good week ahead guys!
❤ Jac.

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