Thursday, October 06, 2016

How to give your significant other a manly welcoming home.

Hello! So James and I have been living together for some time. Apparently the term is "moved in". But I don't really know wh...

Hello!

So James and I have been living together for some time. Apparently the term is "moved in". But I don't really know when I moved in. I just you know, stopped going home and his house became our home, And his bed became my our bed.
(Via Solidrop).

But more on that another time. So James is a frequent traveller. Yes. You think I travel frequently? James has to change his passport before it expires because he runs out of pages for stamps. -_-. And please note because he is British, he can request for thicker-than-normal passport (which he gets), and that he doesn't get any EU stamps. So, yes, James the frequent traveller.
So we had just come back from our trip to UK, France and Italy (omg I love Italy), and James had to fly back to Paris five days after we landed for work. So good. The last time I travelled far for work was last week. To Woodlands Industrial Estate. My journey there cost $38 and 50% of my iPad's battery.
(Via Giphy).

Anyway, while James was in France, I was in Singapore wondering what I should do to give him a befitting welcome. So I racked my brains and this is what I came up with...
(Via Imgur).

That's right. I could work my kitchen magic. This was before I knew that he was being housed in a chateaux and stuffing himself silly with wine and pains au chocolat of course. Anyhow! My girl friends always tell me that a way to a man's heart is through his stomach. They are always posting pictures of them and their partners on FB and Instagram. And you know, everything on social media is real. So I guess cooking is what I must do to keep James around.

Well, I'm not the best cook of course. I mean, I make pretty decent coffee, but then that's probably because I use a Nespresso machine. But you know, I've heard about all the miracles of what love can help one achieve - scale mountains, lift cars of babies, jump across raging rivers. So maybe love will help me cook.

I wanted to give James a welcome home that was befitting of his personality. His very manly and macho personality.
Oops, wrong photo. I meant to put this.
And it just so happened that I stumbled upon this Cosmopolitan video. And you know, no publications talks about guys more than Cosmopolitan. And you know, nothing is more manly than a bunch of penises.



So that's what I aspired to do. Get lots of ingredients, and welcome manly James home with a bunch of manly penises. Here's what I got!
(Clockwise from top right: CHOCOLATE, 1 bunch of bananas, 1 packet of marshmallows, lollipop sticks, sprinkles).

And here's how you go about making your chocolate banana penises to give your bf/husband a manly welcoming home.

#1 Peel the bananas and halve them.


You will notice that not all the banana will look the same. One might look a bit different from the rest. A bit longer/shorter/straighter etc. But that's okay. That's just life. Just like how we should not discriminate men based upon how their penis looks, we should not discriminate bananas based on how they look.

#2 Unwrap the chocolate.


So I bought three bars of chocolate because I figured it's better to have more chocolate than less chocolate. What happens if something goes wrong? What if I spill the chocolate? What if the bananas disintegrate into the chocolate and render it gloopy? What if I eat so much chocolate that I have none left to melt? Yes. Always better to have contingency chocolate lying around.

#3 Melt the chocolate.

So I understand that the conventional way to do this is on a stove, as shown in the video above and also in photos of professional chefs melting chocolate. Here's one right here.
(MasterChef's Gary Mehigan. Via The Daily Telegraph).

But, before we go into that, let me tell you a story about James. This was back in the day when James was a single guy, living it out in his bachelor pad, with a bed that he could call his own and more cupboard space than he could even dream of.
(Via Make A Gif).

One day, he decided to fry himself an egg. So he bought some eggs and oil, put his pan on his stove, poured in the oil, cracked in an egg and waited for that egg of chicken to turn into his egg of breakfast.
(Via Giphy).

But nothing happened. As it turned out, James had yet to PUB to turn his gas supply on. And he hadn't noticed that he had no gas. After nine months of living in the apartment. (And we still don't have gas, but that's okay. Because I am a MICROWAVE QUEEN).
(Via Giphy).

But I digress. So you know, because we have no gas, I couldn't melt the chocolate over the stove. But as I mentioned, I'm a microwave queen. So I melted the chocolate by standing the cups of chocolate into bowls of microwaved water.
Stir until you get a smooth consistency. Like so.
I know! Hypnotic isn't it!

#4 Stick your lollipop sticks into the bananas.

I know that the video shows ice cream sticks. But I seriously couldn't find any and I had 2 hours to figure out how to make chocolate banana penises in time for James to get back. I thought squeezing in a 6 magnum food coma recovery during that time would be cutting it a bit too close.
You can buy the lollipop sticks from Bake It Yourself Singapore, about $3 for a bag of 25. Also, here you will learn that, like penises, not all bananas are equal. Some are good, and some are not so good.
(The one on the left is good, the one on the right is not so good).

#5 Coat your bananas.

Yeah that's right! It's time to dip them bananas in chocolate!
I know. My photos make it look effortless and clean. But please believe me when I say it can be a pain. Especially with the bigger bananas. Bigger is not always better. The bigger ones have a tendency to split apart after being dipped into the chocolate. And then you have to go around fishing for blobs of banana in chocolate. Delicious experience, yes. But pleasant? Not so much.
(Via Metro).

#6 Decorate your bananas!

Okay here's the fun bit! You get to decorate your chocolate covered penises bananas with whatever you want! I bought a bunch of sprinkles from Bake It Yourself. Or quins as they call them in posh baking stuff.
From left to right: CK neon fish sprinkles, CK bright sugar crystals, Wilton Spring Chick Mix, CK multicoloured hearts sprinkles. All from Bake It Yourself.

And then, dip your bananas into the sprinkles! It's the best thing. 

#7 Freeze your chocolate-coated sprinkled bananas.


Just for about an hour or so. Chocolate doesn't take that long to harden.

#8 Marshmallow them up!

Like how penises are usually accompanied by balls, chocolate coated bananas should come with marshmallows. And you get these marshmallow balls but cutting a marshmallow almost into two with a pair of scissors.
TIP: It's better if you buy bigger marshmallows. I had intended to get the Rocky Mountain mega marshmallows as shown below, because bigger marshmallows = bigger balls. But somehow I couldn't find any. I went to Giant, Cold Storage, Candy Empire, and The Cocoa Trees. Figures that you can never seem to find the stuff you want when you actually need it.

And then you push your cut marshmallows up the sticks and arrange them below your banana penises.
AREN'T THEY AMAZING?!

#9 Serve your man his chocolate banana penises!

And they are delicious! James even dipped them in coffee for kicks!

Okay so you may encounter a few hiccups along the way, but I have identified them all and also will present you with solutions to avoid messing up (like how I did).

So you may notice that the person in the video had lined her tray with baking paper before setting the banana down. That is essential. Or your bananas will freeze to the plate and you will end up having stuff like this happening.
Yeah your banana penis will be uncoated on one side and cracked on the other. But no worries. They still taste good and look more or less like how they should. And anyway, all chocolate covered banana penises tastes the same. We shouldn't discriminate based on appearances alone.
(Via Giphy).

Also you should keep your chocolate covered banana penises in the freezer, and put them in the fridge for 30 minutes before you consume them. If you take try to eat them too soon, they'll be too hard.If you put them out there for too long the bananas get mushy and wet and what you get is this...
Yeah. Not so appetising. Anyway, chocolate covered banana penises! I highly recommend them! Very easy to make and quite tasty! James can attest to that!

Okay and I've come to the end of my post. I'm a domestic goddess now obviously. And if you want to try out making your own chocolate banana penises please let me know how it goes!


Meanwhile, TGIF guys!
❤ Jac.

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