Friday, August 19, 2016

Jac's Relationship Advice: Based on Failed Past Relationships.

Hello guys! Okay so if you guys still remember, just not too long ago, I used to be a single grumpy bitter bitch with nothing much going...

Hello guys!

Okay so if you guys still remember, just not too long ago, I used to be a single grumpy bitter bitch with nothing much going on in life apart from Coke Light and alcohol.
And then James came along and now I'm a grumpy bitter bitch with Coke Light, alcohol, and a companion. Which is pretty good I must say. For one thing there's now someone aside from yourself who is funding your drinking habits.
But as it turns out, when you announce that you have someone in your life after being a reclusive self-deprecating bitch for quite some time, people tend to ask you for relationship tips, secrets to love, pointers on finding THE ONE, and what have you. Right. My answers to your questions might make you want to throw yourself off a cliff.
(Via Giphy).

Because you know, I'm new to this relationship thing. Why, judging by historical data and past experience, I'm far more competent at dishing out advice on how to fail at relationships than how to settle down. But you know, I aim to please. So here's some relationship advice based on my previous failed attempts at relationships.

#1 Wear whatever you want to wear.

It's okay if your boyfriend gives you input on your outfits. Like "This yellow dress makes you look like a school bus", or "The hole in this dress is as big as China, but in a bad way", might not be the nicest, nor best of things to say to you, but at least they are somewhat constructive pieces of criticism.
(Via Giphy).

But what is not okay, is when he tries to dictate your outfits and tells you what to wear. I once dated this asshole who used to tell me to wear heels ALL THE FUCKING TIME. And I'm quite happy to wear heels. Have you seen my heels? My heels are higher than your heels, go high or go home, my killer heels killed yours for breakfast, etc.
But I do not like being told what to do, nor do I like acceding to stupid and unreasonable requests. Here are some of the instances where he told me to wear heels:
  • Going to his house to watch TV 
  • Going to the coffee shop to eat 
  • Going to EXPO to walk around some car exhibition
(Via Imgur).

Ridiculous. He even bought me a pair of fucking uncomfortable heels and I decided to wear them once when I met him for lunch because I never wore them ever and I decided to give him face that one time. He made me walk from Raffles Place to Telok Ayer and back because the Teh Peng in Raffles Place wasn't good enough. Fucker. I ended up falling down an entire flight of stairs in Raffles Place MRT .
(Via Vulture).

Yes yes, we all make mistakes. Mine was not taking off my heel and stabbing him in the eye.
(Via Buzzfeed).

Anyway, there was once we were going to his grandfather's funeral. And when he saw what I was wearing he went "Can you wear something nicer, and heels? Everyone will be looking at you."
(Via Imgur).

I never wore heels again. 
(Via eonline).

And then we broke up and now I wear heels quite happily. The moral of the story is, if the guy feels this compulsive need to change your dressing to suit his image, he's not worth it, break up, move on. 
(Via Giphy).

#2 Don't pretend just to please his family.

Or not immediately anyway. A relationship predicated on lies worse than dying alone and then having your face eaten by cats.
(Via Imgur).

I mean it's okay to tell tiny white lies like "Why your cooking is the most delicious I've ever tasted!", or "No your cake doesn't taste like a pile of bricks!" But when his family believes that you subscribe to certain beliefs, then that's a different thing.
(Via Giphy).

So there was this other boy I dated whose family was Christian. Which is okay. No issue with that. He wanted to introduce me to his family. Which is also okay. But what is not okay is that he said "You have to pretend to be Christian or my parents won't like you. If they ask you to pray just thank God for the food and for bringing us together."
(Via Giphy).

That didn't last long. Well, longer than I would like to admit anyway.

#3 Don't put up with guys who can't manage their own finances.

Or girls for that matter. So, I like spending money as much as (or probably more than) the next person. But that's okay. I spend my own money and also within my means. You want to buy that Rolex watch? Fine! Buy it. But pay for it by yourself and resort to living in poverty for the next 5 years.
(Via Giphy).

You know what I don't respect? People who take money from their parents even though they don't need it. Eh. Your parents already paid for your toys, clothes, education, and most of your life expenses. If you are earning money, you fucking better use your money on yourself instead of continuing to rely on your parents to pay for your stuff.
(Via someecards)

So this guy I dated, used to ask his parents for money to pay for his dinner, his lunch, everything! And it's not like he was broke, he had a side income and was doing quite well! And what was worse was that he had an older brother who worked in a bank WHO DID EXACTLY THE SAME THING. Like, WHY?!!!
(Via Giphy).

If a guy does this, dump him. You need to find someone who can fund your dates BY HIMSELF. You don't need his mother paying for your romantic dinners and what have you. You don't need someone else's parents funding your sexy time.
(Via Giphy).

And when you go dutch, you need to know that you're both paying for your half of the meal, not you paying for your half and his mommy paying for him. What sort of people do such things?! Disgraceful. 
(Via Giphy).

Sorry, Asian with strong Confucian values.好公民 taught me well.
(Via Giphy).

The other kind of people whom I can't stand with regards to money, are the idiots who get credit cards and immediately get themselves into debt. EH cannot manage one credit card you think you can manage a relationship?
(Via Gifsec).

Cannot lor. And I'd know. I've dated both those kinds of guys. It was hell.
(Via Giphy).

(Also please note that I'm saying that you shouldn't date guys who don't spend within their means. I'm not telling you to only date rich guys okay).

#4 You need to be equally sociable or anti-social.

So your relationship won't work if you are an anti-social recluse and he is an outgoing people slut. You can't have some super-enthusiastic person wanting to go out and meeting people all the time when your idea of a fun night out is like, going someone and not talking to anyone else.
(Via someecards).

So I once dated this guy who liked to go out and make new friends with everyone. And I like to, go out, and drink my alcohol. Time wasted talking to other people is time that could have been better dedicated to pouring alcohol down my throat.
(Via Metro).

Seriously, I've already spent the whole day at work talking to people I don't know very well. Why do I need to do the same in a bar?! I'm quite happy keeping to myself.
(Via Giphy).

Another guy I dated felt that he had no friends and kept inviting MY FRIENDS over to his house. Sometimes without me. Because I would tell him that I'm tired and then head off to bed and he would call up my friends (some of them Facebook friends) and invite them to his house.
(Via Giphy).

Yeah, I know right?! He was a fucker. Firstly, boundaries. And secondly, if you need some kind of regular social affirmation in your life, then you should find your own friends, and not keep hounding your girlfriend's friends to meet you to the point that they create WhatsApp groups to bitch about you. And also it's perhaps important to find someone who is as needy as you and not subject your anti-social significant other to unwanted torment in the form of socialising.
(Via Imgur).

And it works both ways I guess. If you are anti-social you need to find someone as anti-social as you so that you aren't that bitch who's constantly raining on parades.

#5 Stupidity isn't overrated.

So maybe this person is nice to you, always there for you, and not bad looking and you're like, "Hey, we should get together". 
(Via Giphy).

NO. THESE ARE NOT GROUNDS FOR YOU TO GET TOGETHER. Because it's always easy to buy people chocolate on a regular basis, to provide sympathetic replies to your angsty texts, and meet you on Friday nights and agree with everything you say. But as you spend more time with the person, you want to know that they can talk about other things apart from parroting your thoughts.
(Via Giphy).

Because you want someone who's on the same wavelength as you, not someone who has nothing going on up there and latches on to you. The worst kind of stupid people, are the people who fancy themselves to be really smart and insightful.

So there was this guy I dated, OH MY GOD, he was a pain. A stupid, insufferable pain. He used to fail different modules in school, not know the answers to anything, but oh my god, did he try to make up for it by being a Smart Alec.
(Via WiffleGif).

So we were on holiday and happened to get talking to this couple who was on a wine tour with us. And he decided to tell them about Singapore. He told them that buildings are built really quickly in Singapore, and that you could drive past somewhere in the morning and it would be empty land, and  and see a ten story building constructed on your evening commute back.
(Via Giphy).

Okay, but we will give him the benefit of the doubt. He may have been obviously exaggerating and I may have no sense of wit. But then he went on to tell the Singapore story and said, "In the olden days, before it was founded, Singapore used to be a Muslim state."
(Via Giphy).

NO IT WASN'T. So I interjected, "No it was never a Muslim state, Singapore had a lot of indigenous Malays on it, but it was never a Muslim state." And he said, "Same same."
(Via Bustle).

NO IT'S FUCKING NOT THE SAME. You don't pretend to be knowledgeable when you are clearly dumber than a bag of rocks. So learning from my mistakes, make sure you date someone with brains please. Stupid people are the worst. I know that person may appear to be on the same wavelength as you, but you know, check. Make sure that he has his own sensible opinions and is not just latching off yours.
(Via Buzzfeed).

So yes. The lessons you can learn from my dating life is that, there's a fine line between being nice and acceding to stupid requests. Yes, you will agree to do things that ultimately make you want to slit your wrists (like doing some idiot's homework - not okay), but we all make mistakes. Suck it up and move on.
(Via Giphy).

If you keep rejecting all the wrong guys, constantly refuse to do things that you don't want to do, and just keep telling people what you don't like upfront, one day you might just find someone who likes you for that grumpy bitter bitch that you are.
You won't have to change anything about yourself, and life will be good.
(Photo by Smith).

And here you go, good song to end off.

TGIF guys!
❤ Jac.

(And also sorry, updates on my life in the next post).

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  1. I agree with this. I always wear dresses because I love wearing them. I can't deal with weak guys. I am so weak myself so I need to have a strong guy for protection.