Friday, October 30, 2015

20 Things You Secretly Want To Ask On A Blind Date.

Hello! So recently I was at this schmoozing event when my new acquaintance with very nice hair suddenly turned to me and went, "Yo...

Hello!

So recently I was at this schmoozing event when my new acquaintance with very nice hair suddenly turned to me and went, "You wrote about the blind date right? It was damn funny." Why thank you. My trauma is your entertainment. But that's okay. All fits into of my self-depreciating personality. I thrive in my own suffering.
Anyway! A good friend of mine recently went on a blind date herself and she had a great time! You may read all about her date on cheryltay.sg.

But you know what no one blogs about? What you want to ask your date when you're going out on a blind date, and what goes through your mind. Okay maybe they do. But not in detail. So here you go...
(No no - Not Matthew. I broke my own pact to myself and went on more. Yeah I'm that silly.)


#1 Why are you single?

So you look decent and you're quite entertaining to talk to. WHY ARE YOU SINGLE. Do you have some personality disorder? Are you secretly psycho? Are you actually incapable of normal conversation but very good at memorising scripts? Are you a scam artist? Are you secretly married to a harem of women? Do you have an army of kids from your past failed marriages? Do you not like Coke Light? WHY?! WHY ARE YOU SINGLE?!!
(Via Pinterest).

(Note: I'm single because I clearly have some extremely dark and complex emotional issues. Hence my blog. Cathartic release and all that jazz.)

#2 What if you don't like Coke Light?

I LIKE COKE LIGHT. No, wait. You don't understand, I'm addicted to it. I need it to live.
(Via Buzzfeed).

OMG. You ordered Coke Light for me. Did I really come across as that fanatical over Coke Light?! Okay you are judging me. OMG I LOVE COKE LIGHT. Okay whatever. You might as well know it now because there is no way I'm going to give Coke Light up for a guy. COKE LIGHT IS LOVE. WHERE IS MY COKE LIGHT.
(Via Buzzfeed).

#3 What's your first impression of me?

I think I'm acting normal and acting like I'm all chill and stuff. OMG COKE LIGHT WITH VODKA. No I'm not an alcoholic. Do I look like one? I'm really not. Is that what you think of me? Are you just laughing because you think I am funny? Or are you laughing because I am being ridiculous? EH. WHY AH. Oh maybe you are laughing at my hair. Ok I will adjust my hair now.
(Via Playbuzz).

#4 Do you care about my hair?

Because that would make one of us. What happens if you like girls with long and flowy hair? I can't do that ok! I have two hairstyles - bed head, and 5 hairpins. Choose one.
Omg but I really want to make my hair purple one day. You look like you are quite rational. Okay. I will keep my purple hair plans to myself then. CHILL. Drink my Coke Light.
(Via The Gloss).

#5 Did you judge my online profile?

I'm sure you stalked me. Don't bluff. I didn't stalk you because I am stupid when it comes to things like that. I should have stalked you damn it. Why did I have to be planning for my future as Supreme Overlord of the World instead of doing useful things like planning for this stupid date.
(Via Tumblr).

OH YA YOU DID READ MY BLOG. MY VERY FRIVOLOUS BLOG. Okay never mind. Drink my vodka and it will all be okay.
(Via Buzzfeed).

#6 Did you tell anyone you were going on a blind date?

Because I did not. I only told one friend (or was it two? I can't remember). And my friend is busy I don't know doing what. OMG IF THIS GOES BADLY YOUR FRIENDS WILL JUDGE ME AND MY BLOG. Never mind. Maybe they will judge you and your personal choices. Me, I always judge my personal choices. Like, why did I agree to go on a blind date today? Oh yeah. I have no life and have a tendency to make bad life decisions. Okay I remember now.

#7 Am I prettier than your ex?

Oh! We are talking about our ex-es. OMG. Why are you asking me about my ex. I don't care about my ex. Alamak I did not prepare myself for this. Am I supposed to say good things or bad things?! Uhh....uhhhhh. OKAY JUST WHACK AND SAY SOMETHING. Okay I forgot what I said but I think it made sense. Aiyah whatever. As long as I am prettier than your ex. I don't care. Is she prettier? Aiyah I don't want to see. I will just assume that I am prettier.
(Via Giphy).

#8 Do you like girls who wear makeup?

I cannot wear eyeshadow and eyeliner everyday okay. Shucks why did I wear eyeliner today. And heels. I actually like sneakers and shorts ok. Oh I think I told you and you said yes all is good. I bet you were lying. Maybe you like girls with long lashes and glittery eyeshadow which make their eyes "pop".
(Via Buzzfeed).

Oh no. I better tell him I wore eyeliner. Jac, he probably doesn't know what eyeliner is. Oh yes. I want to check my phone because I feel awkward. I have just made myself feel awkward. Well done Jac.
(Via Playbuzz).

#9 CAN I CHECK MY PHONE?

I want to check my phone. I know there is probably nothing of importance on it, but I want to check it. Because I need to do something with my hands.
(Via MTV).

I have run out of things to do with my hands. Maybe I can secretly play chopsticks with myself. Should I examine my fingernails? NO. He will think I am bored. Actually I am not bored. This guy is not bad. Ok CHILL. PAY ATTENTION.
(Via Giphy).

#10 Am I staring too much?

I'm not staring! I am trying to appear engaging and interested in what you are trying to say. This is very confusing. How long am I supposed to maintain eye contact before it become borderline creepy?
(Via Mashable).

HEY YOU ARE STARING JUST AS MUCH. Omg how. This is awkward. I should just tell him that it's probably because I am a very awkward person. Okay I should not. Okay I just did. Okay I have made it awkward.
(Via Buzzfeed).


#11 Why are you going to the toilet?

OMG. Why are you going to the toilet? Are you going to pee? Or are you going to leave and never come back. Ok never mind I will check my phone. Hey wow so many people have WhatsApped me. *swipe swipe swipe swipe*. AIYAH I DON'T CARE.
(Via Wikia).

OH HERE YOU ARE FRIEND. Sorry I need to spam you I don't care if you get annoyed with me I will apologise to you later. OK OK. I am better now. Okay I am done with my phone. He is taking very long okay. Maybe he is bitching to his friend about me. WELL. Two can play that game. Oh. I have nothing to bitch about. HOW. Okay never mind. Here I go to read my emails. HEY! ASOS sale! Oh my friend has replied and is laughing at me. Oh he's back. Now I have to pee. Off I go.
(Via Buzzfeed).

INTERLUDE: Why did I not take my phone to the toilet?

(Via Giphy).

#12 Why are you going on dates?

Are you like me? Because I really don't know why I'm here. Oh yeah. No life. But why are you here?! Are you looking for a friend/friend with benefits/girlfriend/wife? Because you know I am like, just like here because you asked me out for dinner. Like how I went for a 10 km run up Mount Faber because Chad asked me. Or how I went to Morocco because Titus asked me.
But oh pls. I hope you don't ask me anything related to this. BUT IF YOU TELL ME WHY YOU ARE GOING ON DATES I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW VERY MUCH. Just don't ask me back please. I don't even know my purpose in life. I don't know why I'm here. Oh yes. Vodka. Okay. Drink.
(Via Buzzfeed).

#13 How many people are you dating?

Do you have dates lined up in a row? Or is it just me? You can't be just dating me right? Maybe you have one blind date per night. I'm sure that's how it works. Maybe this is what I should do. Omg mad. Surely I won't do that. Blind dates are stressful. Wah kudos to this guy for asking me on a blind date. But maybe he is used to asking girls on dates. He can't just be dating me based on my online profile. Surely I am not as captivating online as I am in real life. Omg I am actually more captivating online. Omg my fail-revelation of the day. Never mind. You are charming. Do something charming.
(Via Buzzfeed).

Why did you do that. Where is my vodka. Come here vodka.
(Via Buzzfeed).

#14 Do you have a fail-safe?

Shucks I did not plan for my friend to save me from a bad date. JAC HAVE YOU LEARNT NOTHING FROM YOUR BLIND DATE SAGA?!!! But this date is not bad. Omg what if he thinks it is bad. THAT'S WHY he went to the toilet for so long. He wasn't bitching about me. He was screaming "SAVE ME RIGHT NOW" to his friend on the line. Ya. That must be it. But he is smiling. You don't smile unless you are having fun. He must be a sadist. Deriving fun from his upcoming plot. Time to run away Jac. JAC. WHY AREN'T YOU MOVING?!
(Via Gurl).

Oh. Okay then.


#15 Is this how you are like on a regular basis?
You seem quite nice and funny.And normal. Are you like this on a regular basis. Or is this a one off thing? OMG. IS THIS THE FIRST TIME YOU SHAVED IN 20 YEARS?! Or do you normally talk about other things, like the rate at which your pubic hair grows or your fascination with mold that grows under the sink? Are you genuinely a weird person? Or is this how you really are?! Is this how I really am? Yes that's me. Weird and awkward.

Oh wait usually I am in shorts. Why am I in a dress and heels. Oh yes I came from work. Wah luckily I came from work or I would be in my tank top, shorts, and slippers. And when I walk there will be this *piak piak piak* sound. Now when I walk there will be this *click click click* sound. Ok ho seh. Cheers to myself. Drink.
(Via Buzzfeed).

#16 How is this date going?

You're smiling. Of course you're smiling. I'm delightful. OR AM I NOT?! Are you truly having a good time? Or are you just pretending. What do you actually like to do? Do you actually like to travel? Because I need a travel buddy. Do you want to go to North Korea with me? Omg Jac, don't ask him that. He might think you like him or something. Ask him something else!
(Via Giphy).

Do you think I'm interesting? Maybe I'm boring you with my incessant chatter and like, omg I forgot what I was talking about. Say something nice Jac. Give a compliment. Anything.
(Via Buzzfeed).

OMG WHAT DID I JUST SAY??!!! WHERE'S THE ALCOHOL. OH HERE.
(Via Buzzfeed).

#17 Do you potentially like me?

You seem quite nice and funny. And normal. Are you like this on a regular basis? Or is this a one off thing? OMG. IS THIS THE FIRST TIME YOU SHAVED IN 20 YEARS?! Or do you normally talk about other things, like the rate at which your pubic hair grows or your fascination with mould that grows under the sink? Are you genuinely a weird person? Or are you Aladdin pretending to be Prince Ali?!

Omg wait. Is this how I really am? Am I lying? Why am I in a dress and heels. Oh yes I came from work. Wah luckily I came from work or I would be in my tank top, shorts, and slippers. And when I walk there will be this *piak piak piak* sound. Now there is this important *click click click* sound when I walk. #WINNING.
(Via Daily Edge).

And yes. That is me. Exactly.

#18 Would you want to see me again?

COME ON. Tell me straight up. Are you going to or not? Because you know, I would like to know. This plays no part in whether I decide to like you or not. BUT I WANT TO KNOW. TELL ME. How much brain power am I supposed to allocate to evaluating whether I want to keep you in my contact list or not?! Because you know, I have important things to get back to.
(Via abcgeatpix).

#19 Are you going to text me?

I want to know if you are going to text me so that I can decide whether I'm going to text you back. Or I want to know that you are going to text me so that I can not reply and crush your hopes of ever being together with me.
(Via Buzzfeed).

No la. Actually I just want to know if there is a possibility of getting a text from a guy who seems interested in me and is not a telemarketer from China. My life is that sad, yes.
(Via Buzzfeed).

#20 Did you lie to me at all?

So I know there are some people who were born human lie-detectors, and there others who were not. Then there is a separate category of people who believe whatever is the most convenient for them. Sadly, I fall into this category.
(Via Buzzfeed).

Why thank you Channing. I knew this get up was going to get me places.
And although it's comforting to know that my judgement is right 90% of the time, it's really much more convenient if people just told the truth all the time. I'm excluded from this group. Because I'm clearly some superior being. But GUYS.... 
(Via Wifflegif).

Saves me from bitching about you to my friends upon discovering that you are not a prince/do not own a house in the Maldives/ cannot count to ten. Yeah. Everyone makes mistakes.
(Via Buzzfeed).

Anyway! I have come to the end of my list of course. I hope you have found this entertaining, or at least a fruitful waste of your time. I feel like I'm supposed to give you some sagely advice now. But I have none. (Sorry, we already established that I never learn from my mistakes).

But I can share a very good gif with you.
(Via Adweek).

And also a good song by The Weeknd because the weekend is coming! I'm going to donate blood with Chinese James - I will let you know how it goes, whoever is reading this.

Cheers!
❤ Jac.

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