Monday, May 18, 2015

What Makes Me Attractive (to mosquitoes).

Hi guys! So before I start showing you pictures of me engaging in miscellaneous outdoor and nature related activities, I would like to rem...

Hi guys!

So before I start showing you pictures of me engaging in miscellaneous outdoor and nature related activities, I would like to remind everyone that I still appreciate doing things like, drinking at bars at being happening. Indoors. Like here at the Cointreau x Zalora paty at Zui Hong Lou.

Inner voice, "Jac that was 3 months ago."
Jac, "Shut up."


So recently, I have been doing the whole tourist in your own country thing with my friend James. Not the James who drives me to the airport when I go on holiday I mean. This James. Way too proud owner of his pineapple hat James.
Anyway, we have been doing very touristy things during the weekends. Like, going to Marina Barrage.
Or like, going to McRitchie.
Or like, going to the National Orchid Garden. 
Digression - Excuse me did you guys know that the National Orchid Garden was in the Botanic Gardens? I thought not. Have you been there? I thought not either. You have to pay $5 to get in. That’s why only tourists go there. Us Singaporeans are too cheap.
Anyway, last Sunday, we went to Pulau Ubin. Because James said something along the lines of, “Do you want to go to Pulau Ubin?” And I said, “Okay.” Same as how I got roped into going to Morocco, a 10 km run up Mount Faber, and OCBC Cycle.
Or like, going to Pulau Ubin. To cycle.
Yeah I realise I'm not cycling here. But James didn't send me any pictures of me cycling. They may be too painful for public consumption. So here is me, James, and a wild boar.
To clarify, the one on my left is James, not the wild boar. And yes, he only has one expression when it comes to taking photos.

But coming back to my point - going to such places is fine really. But what you realise when you go on such outdoor expeditions is that sometimes, you get bitten by mosquitoes. Sometimes for you. All the time for me. I get them in the double digits, ALL THE TIME. I’m not exaggerating. Here. Check out this photo from 2008.
No I wasn't dancing around Sungei Buloh in a bikini ok. I was hanging out in school and eating some food. Something like this.
Except that we were all wearing jeans and eating chicken nuggets.

But that's not the point. The point is, that a mosquito decided to bite me through the fabric of my shirt multiple times instead of you know, BITING SOMEONE ELSE. James insists that this is why he asks me to tag along on his excursions - because I keep the mosquitoes away from him. I think he asks me along because all pests, whether human or otherwise, find my company enchanting. And why wouldn't they? I'm delightful.
Anyway, you know what they always come up with lists on why some people are more likely to get lung cancer (smokers), more likely to get hit on the head (tall people), or more likely to die single and alone (me)? Well I have come up with my own list. Here's a list on...

#1 Blood Type.

So according to all sorts of reports and all sorts of official sources like Smithsonian Mag, mosquitoes prefer to feed on people of a certain blood type. Which happens to be my blood type. Blood type O. O for like...
Which is I guess what all the mosquitoes in the world have been doing.

#2 Clothes.

So also according to my research, mosquitoes are fashionable creatures. They are drawn to people who display a certain finesse when it comes to dressing up. And sadly, in this case, my timeless style is my downfall.
Yes, Black is à la mode this season, last season, and the rest of your life. Take it from me. The mosquitoes love it.

#3 Alcohol.

Mosquitoes are alcoholics. They like people who drink alcohol. 
Stupid alcoholic mosquitoes. Don't they know that alcohol is bad for them?

(Note: I read this on PubMed. And judging from the name, you know that they are a trustworthy source for information on alcohol and medicine).

#4 Movement.

Well, apparently mosquitoes are more attacted to individuals who move more.  I'm lazy, I don't exercise, and I don't fidget. Why I'm just about the most patient person around.
Yeah. So, patient person. Can wait for hours. Not fidgety. So I really can't imagne why mosquitoes would want to bite me.

(Also, to be clear, that was Chinese James, not Ang Moh James.)

#5 CO₂ Emissions.

Mosquitoes are more attracted to individuals who give off more CO₂. This means the higher the volume of CO₂ you emit, the higher the number of mosquitoes that you will have attracted to you. You know what gives of loads of  CO₂? Fire.

I can't help that I'm fire burning on the dance floor.
Oops. That was me being passed out on the gym floor. Anyway, fire burning on the dance floor.
Yup. Shawty has her problems.

#6 Body Heat.

Mosquitoes like people with higher body temperatures. 
Their words, not mine. (And please do not discount the heat given off by the fire burning from my dancing. Whether from my hot dancing, or people setting their eyes on fire as a result of watching me dance).

#7 Being Sweet.

I am an extremely sweet person. I can't help it. It's in my blood. Just look at me. I'm the epitome of sweet.
Oops wrong photo. I meant this.
Well, studies have shown that people who exude sweetness tend to attract mosquitoes. And you must be like, 
"Jac. You attract mosquitoes because you inhale Coke Light like a water-starved camel."
WRONG. Mosquitoes are attracted to people who secrete saccharides through their skin. Coke Light is pumped full of Aspartame, which, I quote Wikipedia, is "an artificial, non-saccharide sweetener"

In English that means, 
SUCK IT PEOPLE. I CAN DRINK AS MUCH COKE LIGHT AS I WANT.
And I have come to the end of my list! Sure I've missed out a couple of other points like pregnancy (I've never been pregnant), body odour (I smell wonderful), and bacteria count (I'm a borderline hypochondriac who walks around with a backpack full of wet wipes, hand sanitiser, and a gun to kill anyone who exhibits flu-like symptoms), but this more or less covers everything. I personally feel it's quite comprehensive. It's really sad that I get bitten by mosquitoes all the times, but I guess that's one of the shortcomings of being a very attractive person.
And now let me leave you with a song befitting of my attractive personality.


Okay thanks for reading my blog post. Goodbye!
❤ Jac.

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