Friday, May 29, 2015

Jac's Career.

Hello guys! So a few of my friends got engaged/married recently and they are all very excited to begin their new lives together, build a ...

Hello guys!

So a few of my friends got engaged/married recently and they are all very excited to begin their new lives together, build a home, start a family, and all that sort of nonsense which happens after you sign for a HDB. Or get yourself pregnant. Or you know, actually get proposed to.
I know right? I should be so lucky.

But no. Because I'm slightly psychotic, neurotic, lunatic, and basically batcrap crazy picky and have extremely high standards when it comes to guys, I'm single. So when I go to weddings I just spend lots of time reflecting on my life choices. This usually ends up in me cleaning out the alcohol supply or overcompensating by rounding up all the suited-up guys and forcing them to take many photos with me. Like so.
Yes. I have no shame. I did ask the bride for permission though. HAHA.

Anyway, as I already had long established why I'm single (guys are not good enough, guys are stupid, who needs guys when I have alcohol, I am a crazy bitch, etc), I have now moved on to new topics for pondering on during weddings. Like determining suitable careers for me. By using the elimination method. Like how I make all important decisions in life. Like what training courses to attend, what countries to travel to next , or what to eat for lunch. Oh's like you never graduated from school.

#1 Doctor.

Well, according to this photo, becoming a doctor was ranked highly on the list of occupations that Jac aspired to be when she grew up.
Then Jac grew up and decided that she was too apathetic to care about patients' piddly-ass problems on a daily basis. 
She also started watching shows like House, where she learnt that everyone in a hospital is useless except for that one eccentric crippled genius. And also that doctors spend almost every waking hour speaking to idiots. 

So, yeah. I decided that there was no point in me becoming a doctor. Nope.

In other news, check out what Cameron drew me on Draw Something many years back! He's awesome.

#2 Fashion Designer.

Another of my life's callings. You see these Victoria's Secret models prancing around in their plainly-coloured underwear and boldly-coloured umbrellas?
That's me in 1994 bitches.
And that's why I can't venture into fashion - I'm waaaay too ahead of the curve.

#3 Food Critic.

Yeah so there are a few problems with me being a food critic. The first being that, I don't really care about what I eat, as long as it doesn't taste extremely horrible.
There was once when I ran out of things to say in a food review. Not because the food was bad, but because the food was, good? I guess? But I sort of ran out of adjectives because I didn't feel very passionately about the food. So this is what I did.
We started out with the Sashimi Platter which featured 5 types of fish - salmon, yellowtail, tuna, red snapper and swordfish. Looks delicious hor?
FYI, this is actually how the fishes look like before they are put on the plate. 
(Via Wikipedia [1] [2], Oregon LiveSport Fishing, and Parker Design).

Not so delicious. So good job to the Japanese for coming up with sashimi and kudos to the chefs at En Dining for putting the sashimi platter together so well!
My creativity knows no bounds.

#4 Bartender.

While I clearly like being around alcohol, I sadly cannot work around it. Firstly, because I would be bad for business. I'd single-handedly clean out the stores.
Also, people might ask me to I don't know. Make them cocktails. Or give them some recommendations on what to drink. And seriously, I really don't care. Just as long as my mixer is Coke Light, I'm good. 
Also don't be a Smart Alec. I won't use Coke Light as a mixer if I'm drinking say, Baileys'. Duh.

#5 Teacher.

I, like many university undergraduates, used to give tuition to kids. My tuition kids were called "Chok Chok" and "Yaw Yaw". They were awesome and rather easy to teach (at times). However, because I don't always have very good judgement, stuff like this would happen.
So the story was that I had given Chok Chok some stickers to reward him for...I can't remember what. Possibly sitting still for 5 minutes. And he went, "Paste where?" And I went, "On your face." Yes. 
Chok Chok, "My eraser is good."
Me, "Is it?"
Chok Chok, "Ya got nice smell. I smell for you to see."

I also did not know how to make him sit still. So I figured that if I gave him 5 minutes to expend all his energy before the lesson, I might be able to make him sit still and do his work for however long we had left.
When that didn't work, I played games like "see how long you can balance the dinosaur on your head".
Somehow I think my teaching methods wouldn't be condoned by MOE. Oh well.

#6 Lawyer.

Well, while I obviously have the brains and argumentative nature required of being a lawyer. 
But I can't bring myself to become a lawyer. Why? Simply because I have watched both instalments of Legally Blonde and I have concluded that I do not have, nor do I want, enough pink clothes in my wardrobe to sustain an entire legal career.

Also constantly arguing with people can be rather tiring. I much prefer to bitch behind their backs.

#7 Assassin.

While I certainly harbour violent tendencies and have a chasm filled with an air of indifference in the space where most people find their heart, I'm afraid that I do not have the stealth nor the nimbleness required of an assassin. 
(Via RTV Games).

In other words, I'm quite clumsy ungraceful accident-prone.
Also I like to talk to inanimate objects and dance when I think no one is watching. 
Yeah. Not very discrete of me, I know. I'm usually wrong by the way. 70% of the time I look up to find someone staring quizzically at me. Well, it's really too bad then. Because I bet I'd look like Black Widow if I bothered to dress myself in black leather assassin-like stuff.

#8 News Analyst.

Well, news analysis seems to be the only job out of the range of occupations that I dabbled in in my youth that sort of stuck with me all the way into *ugh* adulthood.
But let's face it. Analysing news? That must be the driest, most boring job in the world. I wouldn't even do it for a million bucks! To clarify, I was only reading the newspapers because I was taking a break from my Batgirl activities. Saving the world can be such a hassle at times.
(Via Medium).

Yes. So clearly, there are many jobs which aren't really suitable for a unique individual of my skill set and calibre. I obviously need a job which showcases my talent, makes use of my intellect, and allows me to be admired by my adoring fans. And so anyway, I have concluded that I am most suited to be...


I don't know if there is such a title available, but I guess my ardent supporters won't mind, and those who disagree would just have to suck it up because of my undisputed power.
It's the perfect fit! I would be able to pursue my interests, and everyone would live a wonderful life because they'd be able to bask in my glory every single day. And I'd let them.
(Via Buzzfeed).

Yes. Vote Jac for Supreme Overlord of the World. Meanwhile, a great song by Nelly.

Have a good weekend guys!
❤ Jac.

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