Monday, March 16, 2015

10 Things To Know for Monday.

Hi guys! So I was browsing Twitter last Monday when I saw this tweet by Yahoo! Singapore . And I was understandably very excited. I ...

Hi guys!

So I was browsing Twitter last Monday when I saw this tweet by Yahoo! Singapore.
And I was understandably very excited. I was all ready to geek out over some hipster lifehacks on how I could potentially improve my quality of life on Monday. Like tips on how to drag yourself out of bed, how to take notes while you're half asleep, or how not to kill yourself during lunch break.
(Via Img Fave).

However, instead of a list full of relevant information on how I could potentially improve my life on a Monday, this is what I got instead:

  1. Netanyahu Arrives In Us Ahead Of Speech To Congress
  2. Tens Of Thousands March To Mourn Slain Putin Foe
  3. Why Unmasking May Diminish 'Jihadi John'
  4. Still No Signs Of Homeland Security Deal
  5. Where Some Want To Raise Adult Criminal Age To 18
  6. Spacewalking Astronauts Complete Cable Job
  7. High Court Ruling Could Alter Electoral Map Drawing
  8. What Yearlong Search For Flight 370 Yields
  9. New Storm May Push Boston Over Snowfall Record
  10. Minnie Minoso, Beloved 'Cuban Comet,' Passes
Seriously, why Yahoo! Singapore feels that it's imperative for me to know that there has been no progress on the signing of a homeland security deal in a country which is actually not my homeland is beyond me.

So I have decided to come up with my own list things that you need to know for Monday. Because apparently, both AP and Yahoo! Singapore have bad judgement when it comes determining what is important for people to know on Mondays. So presenting...

#1. That is not enough coffee.

So you wake up, make yourself some coffee, get ready, leave the house, and head straight for the office all ready to face whatever challenges and tasks come your way. But somehow, nothing seems to go right and your brain seems full of mush. Well, so here's the thing. The amount of coffee you consumed earlier this morning? Quadruple it.
(Via Img Arcade).

I know you think you normally can function on one morning coffee. But you need to take your weekend hangovers into consideration. So down your coffee like how you'd down a tray of shots and you'd lose the urge of stabbing stabbing yourself in the eye in order to keep awake.

#2. Do not share your elevator.

While journeying to the office, it's important to avoid sharing elevators with anyone. It doesn't matter whether it's the elevator serving your HDB block, the MRT station, or your office building. Why? Because people you meet in the elevators might feel inclined to make small talk to you. Which is the most ridiculous thing to engage in on Monday mornings when your brain hasn't fully acquired access to its intellectual capabilities yet.
(Via Clutch Fans).

Anyway, this rule applies even if your crush is in the elevator. You don't want your crush to remember you as the mute girl with the blank stare and open jaw now do you? Elevators - enter them alone. Otherwise, just take an MC. Because what is worse than taking the elevator with someone is rolling down 40 flights of stairs. Which brings me to my next point...

#3. Do not take the stairs.

This is clearly common sense. You should never engage in manual labour. And this is especially so on Mondays. Mondays are kind of like the moonshine of all the days of the week. Tastes horrible and inhibits your ability to walk in a straight line, much less walk down the stairs.
(Via Pix Good).

And yes. I have fallen down the stairs on a Monday. It wasn't pretty.

#4. Slow down.

If you see someone you know walking in front of you, slow down. Increase the distance between you and him. The last thing you want is an awkward conversation about your weekend with someone you barely know.
Him, "So what did you do this weekend?"
You, "Get drunk for St Paddy's Day! Like all the non-losers our there! How about you?"
Him, "Go for my alcoholic anonymous meeting."
(Via Giphy).

#5. Bring earphones.

Earphone, or headphones, play an extremely important part in daily life. They enable you to escape into another world. So to your colleagues at work, you  look like a boring person trying her very best to do work.
But what you're really doing is having a kickass party in your head, complete with booze, hot dancing people, and best of all, no sunlight.
And people usually leave you alone when you're plugged in. Or you can also choose to ignore them on the pretence that you're engrossed in your work and can't hear them over your music. Also works with those pesky people who keep approaching you to sell you insurance on the streets. 

Anyway, earphones = important. Never leave them behind.

#6. Use your phone.

Or phones if you rather.
The trick is to look as busy as possible so that no one will feel that they are worthy enough to interrupt your phone time. This will help you avoid any unpleasant encounters on Mondays. Also a good trick to pull out when you don't want to look like a lonely loser.
(Via Buzzfeed).

Of course, what you type is inconsequential. What is consequential is that people leave you alone and that you'd have one less reason to hate Mondays.

#7. Wear black.

(Via Imgur).

And on Mondays you wear black. So that you can hide in the shadows and not be noticed by anyone. Anonymity is important in a world where everyone thinks that you are a very sociable being when actually you are as extroverted as a decomposing fish.

So anyway, Nessie and I wear black on Mondays. To mourn for the loss of our weekend and to be as inconspicuous as possible in prder to minimise human contact. If you're lucky, people will just walk by you! With a black outfit, you're almost invisible. 
(Via Buzzfeed).

#8. Prepare small talk questions.

While we can employ all the tactics in the world to try to avoid human interaction on Mondays, some people have the annoying tendency to bypass all your carefully constructed social walls and greet you warmly. Like they are your acquaintance or something. 
(Via Buzzfeed).

When this happens, you must be ready to take charge of this conversation. You can't possibly allow the other person to control it. He might start asking questions which require brainwork or lengthy replies. Which you do not want. So what you must do after the initial greeting, is to unleash a torrent of stupid small talk questions onto him. After which he will spend the rest of the time replying and you can just, imagine committing his slow murder in your head.

Good questions inlcude "What did you do over the weekend?" and "What projects are you working on now?" You know, questions which produe very long answers. The longer the answer, the less likely you'd be required to think of a suitable response to his yammering.

#9. Prepare small talk replies.

If you're unfortunate enough, you might sometimes end up with a scenario where you actually have to contribute to the conversation. In this situation, you will have to answer to questions. Luckily, most people aren't listening to what you have to say. 
(Via Img Fave).

So here's a ready made list of suggestions on how to reply to small talk:
"Not much, you?"
"Huh? What do you mean?"

And this is really all you need to get through the conversation. I think any small talk question can be answered with these two responses. You note how I ended each reply with a question? Because you want to encourage the person to take up all the airtime. As talking on a Monday is not always a good idea you see.
(Via someecards).

#10. Accept reality.

It's really hard to believe, but these Mondays are going to keep coming for the rest of your life. In fact, one-seventh of your life consists of you either consciously or unconsciously dealing with Mondays.
(Via Buzzfeed).

So my advice is, if you screw up one Monday by inadvertantly appearing too cheerful, or attracting unwanted attention by wearing a dress more colourful than the language you want to use on the guy who stole your alcohol, no fear. Monday will sadly roll round again. And you'd be able to deal with it more effectively the next time round.
(Via Buzzfeed).


And now I have come to the end of my list and I probably should head out for my meeting. Ughh. Monday mornings. Don't you just love them?
Okay. Time to go for my meeting. Also, a trashy gansta song about tattoos. 

Happy Monday!
❤ Jac.

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