Tuesday, November 11, 2014

How To Say Goodbye.

Hello guys! So I'm guessing you guys have heard the horrible news. WhatsApp has launched this really devastating feature which allows...

Hello guys!

So I'm guessing you guys have heard the horrible news. WhatsApp has launched this really devastating feature which allows people to track whether or not you've read their messages.
And this will obviously bring about a whole new reason for you to be petty and argue with your friends. As if life didn't present itself with enough reasons for you to disagee, quarrel, argue, fight, squabble, debate, bicker, and disparage over differences and provide enough conflict between two parties. 

And in some cases, this situation might cause some very loving couples to break up. *GASP*

And that's news I guess. I think WhatsApp timed it such that there will be so many more people celebrating Singles' Day this year. Singles' Day is today by the way. That's why ASOS has a discount code for 30% off everything today. "SINGLES30". Only valid on 11/11. You're welcome.

And to prepare you for the unfortunate situation where you might be a single-to-be, I will proceed to teach you a couple of approaches you can use when your soon-to-be-ex significant other broaches the topic. 

#1 The Psycho Bitch Approach.

When saying goodbye to someone, the recommended approach is always to act like a psycho bitch. Tell the guy that you're going to kill him, rip out his hair and flay him alive. This will not only take care of the dick who robbed you of the chance of your fairytale ending/ the pleasure of breaking up with him/ going to sleep for the next couple of days, but also take care of any guys that may way to break your heart in the future. I mean, who would want to offend a crazy assassin on the edge?
(Via Danterants).

#2 The Passive Aggressive Approach.

Notebook Perfect Guy
(Via Photobucket).

Oh everyone hates this. And I bet the guy who potentially is going to disrupt your life is going to hate it to. Oh you want to break my heart? Oh that's okay, I mean you're the only person I've ever really loved. But that's okay. If that's what you want I guess that what we can do.

Excuse me, but I just puked a little in my mouth. Let's hope you do it such that the guy pukes his guts out.

#3 The Nonchalant Approach.

So this dude is going to break your heart and you are not conniving enough to go down the passive-aggressive route. So another option that you might want to consider is this nonchalant approach. Appear unaffected. This dude expects you to be upset. I mean you spent 4 years together! You were going to get married, have kids and settle down in a house with a white picket fence. Or get pregnant, apply for a BTO and then arrange for a shotgun wedding. 

But the sequence of events here is insignificant. What matters is you screw the asswipe's mind like how he screwed with your life and act like you have taken it into you stride. Within 3 seconds. You can cry later.
(Via Imgur).

#4 The #keepcalm Approach.

The guy wants to leave you. Under no circumstance should you be keeping calm. Well unless you have got it sorted out and you wanted to leave him in the first place. Then you know, keep calm. And try to put as much reasonable blame as you can on him if you have it in you. You obvious non-display of emotions will set him thinking. May he forever be confused by this and be cursed with recurring bouts of chronic insomnia. 

#5 The Diva Approach.

He's dumping you? Okay that's fine. Because smart girls always choose labels over love. You know the saying:
"A Prada dress has never broke my heart before".
- Fergie.
Words of the wise. Never forget. So give him the old hair flip and do some shopping. And maybe flip him off while you're at it. And come out with some pretty clothes and awesome heels that make him sorry that he gave you up for video games.

#6 The Indifferent Approach.

Oh so he's afraid that he's heard your feelings and he's gone over how he's going to break it to you a million times over the past three days? Who cares?! Not you. Just continue eating your food like a food and drive him insane over your apparent lack of emotion.

#7 The Teary Approach.

(Via Marie Claire).

Guys hate it when girls cry. He's saying goodbye? Become the emotional train wreck that he deserves. Let it all out. Give him nightmares. May your screams raise his ancestors from the dead and may their spirits haunt him for as long as he lives.

#8 The Realistic Approach.

(Via CelebQuotes).

We know that reality strikes hard. And the fact is that when an idiot says he wants to end a relationship with you, part of you knows that you are that much closer to turning into a crazy cat lady, dying alone, and getting your face eaten by your cats. Let him know that. It's his fault anyway.

#9 The Gracious Approach.

(Via Bustle).

No. No. No. No. It is his privilege to have dated you. You only take on this approach if the guy in question is Channing Tatum. Who broke my heart without even knowing of my existence, let alone going on a date with me. And even then I did not say such sappy nonsense to Channing. HAH. If I ever do meet him I would say something like...
Sorry, I know the dude is clearly not Channing. But please imagine that he is for illustration sake. Yeah. That's what I plan to saying to Channing if/when I actually meet him. But this plan will probably fail and what I will say will most likely be along the lines of...
(Via Imgur).

#10 The Sour Grapes Approach.

(Via someecards).

We know that guys have a thing about their egos. They like to keep it inflated. So when a guy tries to fuck with your mind, the only decent thing that you should do for yourself, is to ensure that you burst his bubble and poke a big hole into that swollen head of his. Insult him. Be a sour grape. Who cares? You aren't going to get back together with him anyway. This approach is recommended for guys who are level 7 and above on the 10 point assholery scale.
(Via Be).

#11 The Self-Victimising Approach.

Maybe you've been pulling two jobs to make ends meet. Or maybe your cat died and you needed some time alone. Or maybe you've been hit with a mid-life crisis and are trying to pull yourself together. Or, maybe your phone sucks. I don't know about you but that would definitely put me in a pretty crabby mood.

AND HE'S SAYING GOODBYE AT THIS VERY DIFFICULT JUNCTURE OF YOUR LIFE? Make the dude feel bad man. Give him the low down on the horrible, insensitive, unfeeling twerp that he is and pray that he chokes to death on his hypothetical tears.
(Via Giphy).

#12 The Angsty Approach.

You know all the rage you have pent up over your crappy job, your stupid fake friends, and the auntie at Ya Kun who gave you Teh-C Gao instead of Kopi-C Kosong? Take it all out on the guy. Shout at him. May you channel the rage of a thousand monkeys from 28 Days Later and deliver it to him with more sweat, dedication and passion than Sean Kingston burning up the dance floor. Make his ears bleed and his eyes water from the sheer amplitude of your voice. Make him suffer and feel like he's blasting Marilyn Manson on repeat.

#13 The Violent Approach.

(Via Meme Center).

Well, this wasn't the gif I had in mind. The ideal gif would be a scene involving a girl slapping a guy till his neck snaps off. But contrary to popular belief, I'm a rather demure and gentle soul. I don't think I can stomach the amount of violence and gore that I'd like to administer to idiotic guys who inflict unerasable emotional scars upon nice, good and wonderful girls of the world.

But if you have both the physical strength and mental resilience to behead a guy with your own brute strength, then go ahead. Hats off to you. I might just invite you for a cup of coffee for you to impart such knowledge and skill to me. Very How I Met Your Mother.
(Via MetaCafe).

#14 The Manic Approach.

This one's easy. Just go wild and crazy and let it go! Celebrate! Let him know that you no longer want him in your life and that you've been cheating on him for the past decade! Nevermind that you have been only dating for 4 months and that you were barely a teenager 10 years ago. If he asks you can always say something like, "Oh, time moves so painfully slowly when I'm with you. Makes me want to stab myself and die. BUT THERE'S NO NEED FOR THAT NOW! PARTY PARTY BYE!!"

#15 The Drama Queen Approach.

So here's a really good one. It's for the fickle minded bitch in all of us. You can't select a good position to take. So just take them all! I mean breaking up is an emotional rollercoaster where a tsunami of feelings just come crashing down onto your once perfect snowglobe of happiness. So take all these raw emotions out onto the one responsible for giving you all that happiness and then taking it all away. 

Psycho, nonchalant, emo, passive agressive, damaged...LET HIM HAVE IT. ALL. And hope that he gets diagnosed with schizophrenia or something. Or chronic migraines at the very least.

The Correct Approach.

So the correct way to part ways with a person who has just offended you by not wanting to spend every counting hour of the day with you is difficult. You must find the right balance of poise and finesse, but keep in mind that you have to inject some form of criticism into the mix because you can't discount the fact that this guy did hurt your dignity and put a dent in your weekly Friday night activities.

So here's what you do - you flip him the bird and hope that his bird withers and drops off in response.
(Via Giphy).

And then you give him a meaningful parting message.
(Via Pinterest).

And you end it off with a nice dismissive wave. A head flip would be a nice touch.

Okay and I have now come to the end of the various approaches which you can potentially refer to if a guy decides to say goodbye to you. If you ask me, the real trick to avoid this is to stay single for life. Meanwhile, you can shop on ASOS and buy stick-on bras at 30% off.

Meanwhile, here is a good song on 50 Ways to Say Goodbye by Train. But really, I listened to the song and think that the title should be "11 Ways I Wish My Ex Was Killed By". Oh well. Good song anyway.

Have a good week ahead guys!
❤ Jac.

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