Friday, January 31, 2014

Just Horsing Around.

Hello guys! Today's the 31st of January! This is symbolic of a great number of historic events - the opening of the first venereal dis...

Hello guys!

Today's the 31st of January! This is symbolic of a great number of historic events - the opening of the first venereal diseases clinic in London Lock Hospital in 1606, Germany pioneering the large-scale use of poison gas in World War One in 1915, the opening of the first McDonald's in the Soviet Union in 1990, and most importantly, the marking of the 162nd day which the Earth was graced with my presence in 1989.

(Via someecards).

Moving on to events from this millennia, or this year rather, 31 January marks the first day of Lunar New Year. Which, I understand, leaves many in a flurry of not-so-positive emotions. You know, having to bother about what to wear, deciding how much money to put into that angpow, wondering how much money you should dedicate to gambling, and on top of all that, having to worry about responding appropriately to the many questions that your KPO relatives hurl at you.
(Via imgur).

And I realise, that short of throwing yourself out of the kitchen window, you will never be able to escape the never ending stream of questions that your persistent relatives bombard you with. The good news is that while you may not be able to avoid these questions from being asked, you can put some strategies into play in order to delay your imminent pain for as long as possible. As follows please.

1. Go to the toilet.

Do a Mean Girls. Take all your food and hide in the toilet to consume it. That way, no one will be able to engage you in awkward dinner conversation. Unless you invite them into the toilet with you. If that's the case then you are really asking for whatever comes next - be it the leer that your twice removed cousin gives you, or the judgemental looks that your family members cast in your direction when you exit the toilet with him.
(Via Imgur).

But hey! At least the questions that your relatives will then ask you will be totally different from the regular "Did you get promoted?", "Did you put on weight?" and my personal favourite, "Did you know your cousin got *insert wonderful achievement here*". I haven't talked to my Auntie in a while, but I remember when I was in Sec 4, she told me, "Oh! Your O levels, like that only ah? Damien got 7 points." Ok noted with thanks.

2. Fake it.
(Via Imgur).

To avoid engaging in uncomfortable conversations about yourself, I recommend that you feign interest in other people's clothes/ jobs/ lives.
Annoying Relative, "How's your life?"
You, "Good! How is yours? Wow! That shade of radioactive green looks absolutely stunning on you!"
Annoying Relative, " Yes right? I bought this dress from....*wait as she continues 10 minute rant*...So anyway, got a boyfriend yet?"
You, " No, not yet! Omg your nails are so cute! The impractical 3D nail art which snags on every piece of fabric that you touch, it's simply exquisite! How much did you do it for?"
Annoying Relative, "Very cheap! I did it at this nail place in Toa Payoh. The woman is...*entertain yourself for another ten minutes as she continues her monologue*..."
You, "Wow you're so clever at such stuff. Okay I think I drank too much water. I need to go to the toilet. Bye."
As painful as this might sound, what with your having to listen to whatever is being spewed at you, I think it's much better to be sitting there silently judging whatever is being said, rather than being put in the situation where you are the one having to say all this crap. I don't really fare well at small talk. It takes me a lot to control my snark. "Oh you bought your dress from the discount section? How cute. That must be where you got your university degree from too!"
(Via someecards).

So always pretend. You don't want to hang yourself, you want to hang out with your relatives. You don't want them to be dead, you love them to death. Yes. Fake it.

3. Crack bad jokes.
(Via Imgflip).

You know what's a good way of preventing people from asking you stupid questions? To discourage them from interacting with you altogether. And one way to do that is to crack really bad jokes. Trust me. I've tried. Works like a charm..

Anyway, to make things more interesting for yourself, I'd suggest you keep your jokes in line with the festive Lunar New Year mood. So your theme would be horses. Have no ideas on what jokes you can crack? No worries. Here are some examples that you can use.
Q: What do you call a horse that lives next door?
A: A neigh-bor!

Q: What breeds of horses can jump higher than a house?
A: All breeds! Houses can't jump.

Q: What kind of horse walks around at midnight?
A: A Nightmare
And my personal favourite...
(Via Quick Meme).

Not the type to crack jokes? No fear. Here are some one liners which you can keep at your disposal. They are best delivered monotonously and with a straight face.
(Via LOL Riot).
(Via Imgur).
(Via Quick Meme).

Chances are, your relatives will put a hoof on it after hearing your extemely bad horse jokes. Bad jokes are just, nay.

Anyway, I hope you found this post useful. Even if you didn't, I hope it served as some form of entertainment while you are out visiting. I cannot count the number of times that I've pretended to be busy on my phone in order to avoid talking to people in the elevator in the morning. To give some context, Jac in the morning is as temperamental as the WiFi signal in Morocco - unsteady for 90% of the time and extremely slow for the other 10% of the time. But I digress. What I am trying to say is, please feel free to pretend my blog post is some pressing issue at work which you have to read through and attend to immediately. I do not mind. If you're interested in wasting more time, here's the post which I did for CNY 2013. It's not bad I feel.

And here are some good memes for your enjoyment before I end my post.
(Via Vitamin-Ha).

And also a good song.


Have a good CNY everyone!
❤ Jac.

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