Friday, May 03, 2013

Alcohol for you.

Hello, It's 1:30 pm and I need a drink. Have any of you ever experienced this? I'm sure you have. Let me jog you through this &quo...


It's 1:30 pm and I need a drink. Have any of you ever experienced this? I'm sure you have. Let me jog you through this "I NEED A DRINK" feeling. So first you'd be all fine and dandy, sitting at your table and doing work. Just like me this morning. Here's a picture of me from this morning!

Yeah so as I was saying, you'd be all happy and cheery at work when ALL OF A SUDDEN, I don't know why, something like this would happen:
  1. Your nail breaks.
  2. You find out that you have a meeting with all the big bosses and you're in a bright yellow denim skirt and also dressed like a highlighter (see here).
  3. You find out that the top you bought yesterday for $50 is now going for $10.
  4. You accidentally delete a very good video from your phone.
  5. Your phone starts vibrating non-stop because people in a Whatsapp group are interrogating you like a criminal.
All very understandable problems you know. And all of which I've experienced before, the latter being the one which most recently traumatised me (yes, I have a fragile heart and the emotional stability of an easily excitable chihwahwa. Traumatised, is the correct term to use). So as a coping mechnism, I reach for the nearest bottle of... Green Tea. Or Oolong Tea. This picture was taken a few days ago so I'm already out of the good stuff like Coke Light and Red Bull.
But you know, even if I had the tenacity to drag myself down to get myself a bottle of Coke Light, the potential joy derived from downing my favourite drink would be still insufficient to write off the exteme distress from my earlier ordeal. So, I was just wishing that I had an alcoholic drink in hand. A few alcoholic drinks actually. But because I don't drink at work all, what I do to cope with the great upheaval of emotions within me, is to pretend I am drinking. In a club. With loud music.

Alcoholic music.

And here's a list I've compiled in case you're feeling the way I feel right now. Trust me, it helps.

10. Asher Roth - I Love College

Now if everybody would please, put their drink as high as they can.
As high as they can, and repeat after me.
I love this song. It is about living a fulfilling college life. Which I did not of course. I was a good and studious girl who thought weed was the singular form describing plants which grow in places where they are not wanted. But still, this song is very effective in making you drink. Just imagine a group of people shouting "CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!". IT WOULD BE IMPOSSIBLE NOT TO DRINK.

The reason why this song is at number 10 though, is because promotes promiscuity and also drugs and surely we do not want that happening around here1. Also Asher Roth sounds drunk in the song. Mixing work and pleasure is not cool yo.

1 Okay I have realised that many of these drinking songs promote promiscuity and drugs. But you know, this is in college. When you are supposed to be studying and doing wholesome things like community service, and not you know, be servicing the whole community.

9. Far East Movement Feat. The Cataracs and DEV - Like A G6

Gimme that Mo-Moet, gimme that Cry-Crystal.
Ladies love my style, at my table gettin wild.
Get them bottles poppin, we get that drip and that drop.
Now give me 2 more bottles cuz you know it don't stop.
I actually listed this under my list of Feel Good Songs. But you know what I just came up with? they say, the best things in life are free, and the second best things in life are multifunctional. This song reeks of drinking. Right down to the "Poppin bottles in the ice, like a blizzard. When we drink we do it right gettin slizzard." Coincidentally, this song is at number 9 on this list for the same reason that it was also number 9 on the Feel Good Songs list. Don't be lazy. Find out why by clicking here.

8. J-Kwon - Tipsy

This song is a classic. It has to be here. It's really good. It has numbers in it like "1, here comes the 2 to the 3 to the 4" and that's good. Counting makes things systematic and orderly. Just ask me and my lists. Or ask James when he is drunk. He will compulsively number things off the way you compulsively knock down shots after a bad day at work.

I'm not kidding about James by the way. Here's how a typical conversation with drunk James can go.
Jac: James are you okay?
James: Yes okay *big hand gesture ending in a thumbs up*
Jac: Sure?
James: NUMBER ONE, I am okay. NUMBER TWO, why would I not be okay? NUMBER THREE, there were only two things.
This boy rocks. But more about that in another post. Next song!

7. DJ Felli Fel Feat. Three 6 Mafia, Lil' Jon & Fatman Scoop - I Wanna Get Drunk

This song is really great. It has a Call For Action. It starts with Fatman Scoop shouting "DO YOU WANNA GET WASTED?!!", and you can think about it for a split second and shout "YUP!" along with Mr ABC-123-I-cannot-tell-who-shouts-yup when you realise that the answer doesn't require any brainwork. Anyway, this nice interactive element makes you feel more alive and keeps you going.

And the tune in the background is very American Basketball/Baseball. Very motivational, inspirational and makes you want to jump up and headbang and down your glass of alcohol. I LOVE IT. But it's at #7 because I can't find the lyrics online and hence cannot learn the rap. I'm slightly upset by this. As it's a wonderful song. And also there is no music video. Which is a pity as there is so much potential in this good song.

6. Lil Jon feat. LMFAO - Drink

One shot, Two shot, Three shot, Four.
Take the bottle to the head and one fucking more.
This song is really meaningful, espcially for all you depressed and repressed office workers who need to get a drink. Firstly, there is the counting bit, which is always useful as demonstrated in Song #8. It's also instructive! "My glass half empty, pour some shit" and "stop being late and have a fucking drink". We're all so drained from our long and tedious office hours and really, sometimes we don't have enough strength in us at the end of the day to like, make our own decisions. It's nice to know that Lil' Jon is aware of this and cares enough to make your decisions for you.

5. Paradiso Girls Feat. Lil Jon And Eve - Patron Tequila

I'm on Patron tequila, I'm drunk on margaritas.
That Patron tequila, me and my mamacita.
Hey girl, where's your drink? We goin' all get real drunk tonight,
Hey girl, I got bud, we can all get fucked up tonight.
A very good song. You can really tell that these girls have all their minds made up on getting a drink. or rather, many drinks and getting drunk. Must have been a tough day. Or a tough life. Or they have some unresolved daddy issues. I don't know. But the song is embarrassingly catchy and also very easy to sing. And club to. Not that I would know. I don't club to trashy hip-hop. Or club. At all.

4. Trey Songz - Bottoms Up ft. Nicki Minaj

Bottoms up, bottoms up, up, every single cup
Got a couple bottles, but a couple ain't enough
This song is very reasonable. It tells you how many bottles to buy. So you know, if you listen to this song at the start of your night, you can make the most out of happy hour and by hoarding your bottles and saving money. Saving money is always good.

Also you don't really have to know the lyrics to sing along. All you need to know really, is "BOTTOMS UP!". And the parts which you can't follow are quite intelligible. Something going alcohol insane, throwing your hands up, and an alcohol hero. Sounds like therapy.

3. LMFAO Feat. Lil Jon - Shots

I'm with the party rock crew, all drinks are free.
We like ciroc, we love patron.
We came to party rock, everybody its on!
Okay if you do not know this song then you need to be shot. I like this song very much. One of my life goals used to be drinking every single shot named in this song. AND I AM PROUD TO SAY THAT I HAVE CONSUMED THEM ALL.

Jager bombs, Lemon drops, Buttery Nipples, Jell-o Shots, Kamikaze, Three Wise Men, Gin.
And also Ciroc and Patron.

Whoo! Not in one night though. I will do this all in one night kicking the bucket becomes one of the items on my bucket list.

And I do not need to explain why this song is easy to sing right? And the constant chanting of "SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS" really ingrains a really strong alcoholic impulse in your mind. Which is good if you want to drink.

2. Calvin Harris Feat. Tinie Tempah - Drinking From The Bottle

I know this crazy life can be a bitter pill to swallow.
So forget about tomorrow.
We're drinking from the bottle.
Took the words right out of my mouth.

This gem is now my favourite Calvin Harris song, one up above We'll Be Coming Back. AND THERE IS TINIE TEMPAH IN IT HEHEHE. I love him from SHM's Miami 2 Ibiza. But I digress. This song is awesome, the tune is good and omg I need a bottle right now.

1. The Cataracs Feat. Sky Blu - Alcohol (Remix)

Drink u-u-u-up
Drink u-u-u-up
Drink u-u-u-up
Drink u-u-u-up
Drink u-u-u-up
Drink u-u-u-up
Drink u-u-u-up
Drink - alcohol

THIS IS THE MOST AWESOME DRINKING SONG. It has a wonderful electronic beat and the words are very repetitive. Perfect for the singer in your inner drunk. And the song really speaks to you. I actually wasn't really that interested in this song until I heard this line.

"I just want some fuckin' alcohol. Hello???!"

This is the single most awesome line in all the alcoholic songs. You can find it at 3:25 of the video. YOU WILL LOVE IT. I promise.

I hope you find my alcoholic song list useful in helping you deal with your alcoholic cravings urges needs which have been forced upon you by extenuating circumstances. It's a terrible burden. But in case you have the memory of a goldfish and can hardly remember how to spell your own name, let alone a list of random songs, then, here's a quick tip! JUST LISTEN TO LIL' JON. 4 out of the 10 songs listed here have him in them anyway. He must have some deep set issues man.

Anyway it's Friday, the end of the work week. It has been a terrible week, what with the public holiday on Wednesday creating two bouts of Monday blues for all of us.
(Via someecards).

SO SINCE IT'S FRIDAY, I'm going to go for dinner and then consume some alcohol as I've had a rough week at work. To end, I'd like to leave you with a quote from a very handsome friend of mine.
"I need two IV drips. One for caffeine, and one for alcohol"
❤ Jac.

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