Friday, November 30, 2012

When I die.

Hello friends, So part of my job at gong cha requires me to plough through the newspapers every morning. Sometimes I read MyPaper, sometim...

Hello friends,

So part of my job at gong cha requires me to plough through the newspapers every morning. Sometimes I read MyPaper, sometimes I read TODAY. Sometimes, because I am designated to read papers based on a pre-set roster very effectively bilingual and wonderful at Chinese, I have to read Shin Min, Wan Bao and also Zao Bao. But for the past two weeks, I have been reading The Straits Times.

Now, the thing about The Straits Times right, is that it is very comprehensive. I guess Zao Bao is also comprehensive and good but you know, I would die trying to understand every single word I read I am very good at Chinese. So I find NO KICK in reading it at all. Anyway, when I read The Straits Times, I like to flip through it and read every section except for MONEY. Which is ironic because you'd think I'd be so interested in the Money section since I love money possibly more than life itself.

I kid of course.

Anyway, this is one section of the Straits Times that I've been flipping through.

THE OBITUARY.
And this got me thinking. What will happen after I die?

And no, I'm not thinking of whether I'd go to heaven or hell, or whether I'd be reborn as a rich heiress in the Hollywood hills, or reincarnated as a unicorn. I was thinking more along the lines of, what would the people around me do? What would my potential funeral be like? How would the people around mourn (or pretend to mourn) my loss?

Well, I'm sure that all of you know that coping with the death of a loved one can be very difficult. And making decisions such as "Where shall we hold the funeral?" when you actually want to curl up in bed and cry can be a bitch. So in light of all this, I will now share what I would want at my future funeral so that you know, all you people who love me so much will not have to bear the burden of deciding if I would rather have a paper Mercedes or a paper BMW burnt at the altar to serve me in my next life.

Okay so, first things first.
LOCATION.
(Via Android Tapp).

I am not very fussy on where the funeral is held. But can I say that I do not want it to be held some where which requires portable toilets? I do not like portable toilets and I am sure the ghost of me will be very upset if she had to void her bladders in a portable toilets. And you know, who knows? I might be a vengeful ghost and haunt you if you allow such a travesty at my funeral. So no funerals in like, the wilderness, campsites, or other funny places okay.

Anyway, I am sure that everyone will be devastated by the loss of me. So, we must be considerate to everyone and not traumatise everyone further by subjecting them to the horror that is using a portable toilet okay. Let my mourners pee in somewhere without wheels and is attached to the reliable Singapore plumbing.

OKAY next.
DRESS CODE.

Of course, I am not referring to the dress code of my mourners. Not yet, anyway. I have come to realise that many bodies are like, dressed up in suits. Getting cremated in a suit? Over my dead body (HAHA. You see what I did there?) Anyway, I would be very unhappy about this and I will haunt whoever allowed the embalmer to put me in a suit. (Yes, this is a very good threat to make and I will just keep using it throughout this post).

So let me be clear on what I would like to wear.
SHORTS. AND TANK TOP/T SHIRT. Oh and sunglasses. And maybe also a jacket. Because where I go might have an air con. Or the weather there might be slightly cold. I don't know. Anyway, I would like to be wearing this blazer when I head to the unknown.
(Via Bershka).

It's truly even nicer in real life. And it's now hanging in my office. So you may have to gain access to the super secret gong cha headquarters to get it. And also, here are some pictures to give you a rough idea on acceptable outfits that you may advise my embalmer to put me in.
(Oh do you guys remember this day? I remember how everyone wore nice clothes and stuff for their FYP presentation. And the first thing Nessie and I did was to change out of our stuffy outfits and into shorts, the best clothing item every invented since the loin cloth).

Okay! *dusts hands* now that we are settled on what I'm going to wear, we can move on to what my mourners will wear. Which is ALSO T SHIRTS AND SHORTS. But please, nothing too sexy (aka hotter than whatever I am wearing). It is a funeral. Show the dead me some respect and allow me to have one last chance to smirk at people in lok kok clothes. General guideline would be like, baggy t-shirts. Like, ACJC t-shirts and shorts!

Okay obviously this is a very old picture, seeing that, well, my hair is in a ponytail. But truly I don't think I have anything more recent than this. Which is strange, seeing that I live in ACJC t-shirts.
OH OH. WAIT. This is me at FOC acting angry at Ruiqi. In good ACJC t-shirts which are good clothing options for you to wear to my funeral. (Y)
If you are the sort who doesn't have baggy clothes/ old school t-shirts, NO FEAR. I have come up with two easy suggestions on how you can modify your clothes to fit into my funeral without having ghost-me haunt you.

1. Garbage bags.
Just tie it over your tank top and you're good to go. Very easy and fuss free.

Don't worry, garbage bags are quite fashionable. You see, even Rihanna and J Lo wear them.
(Via Galaxie).

And if everyone wears garbage bags to my wedding, you can take a group picture and everyone will look hot. Because of the cheerleader effect.
(Via Sodahead).

2. Ghost costumes.

I would like to clarify that there is no such thing as a sexy ghost costume. NOT IN MY WORLD. Ghost costume = white bedsheet with holes cut out for the purpose of seeing. This is how you should look like.
(Via Kaboose).

And maybe you know, if you dress up as a ghost, ghostly me will be secretly pleased that you are trying to connect with me and I will help you by doing evil things to your enemies. Or like, IDK, go to your crush and spookily whisper your name into his ear non-stop until he goes to you and confesses, "I CAN'T STOP THINKING OF YOU. I KEEP HEARING YOUR NAME IN MY HEAD!!!" Good ah?

MUSIC.

Honestly speaking, I'm a bit undecided on this issue on music. Would my ghost rather have trashy hip-hop, which is arguably the best genre of music ever? Or would my ghost be a party pooper and want my funeral guests to have a terrible time and rather have sad emo rock music on loop? So yeah, don't really know what music to play yet, BUT I DO WANT THIS SONG TO BE PLAYED.

The Lion Sleeps Tonight! By The Tokens.



As I am a lion and I assume that I will not be awake. Also please ah. When this song is played, I expect there to be a showreel/powerpoint of me in very glam and smiley shots. Like these photos right here.
Please do not play some nonsense video like this one here, which, although funny and amusing, will make my funeral into like a fun and happy gathering which I am not a part of.



ALSO. I have decided on the songs that will be played at my funeral. It'll be EMO R&B. A combination of both sad emo rock and trashy hip-hop. Songs played will include

Akon - Lonely. 
As this is what you will be when I leave the world.


Sean Kingston - Beautiful Girls. "YOU HAVE ME SUICIDAL, SUICIDAL WHEN YOU SAY IT'S OVER." To make the ghostly me feel wanted you know?


Calvin Harris feat. Example - We'll Be Coming Back. 
Which is not R&B, but it's nice to let people that I may be ressurected/ reincarnated/ reborn some day. Provide some reassurance that MAYYYYBE, I am not gone forever.


Okay so moving on,
FOOD.
(Via Meme Crunch).

I don't know if it's some kind of tradition, but I notice that many funerals that I go to serve sunflower seeds and soccer peanuts. What are soccer peanuts you ask?
(Via Kean Ann).

Yes, I know they are called ground nuts officially, but haven't you noticed that the only time people eat these nuts are when they watch soccer? AND at funerals. And I like neither soccer nor funerals. So these soccer peanuts should not be served at my funeral. What my funeral should serve is potato chips. Jack & Jill potato chips, to be exact.
(Via Philam Food).

These potato chips are not only cheap and easy to acquire, but everytime someone says "pass me the Jack and Jill potato chips" or "there is only Jack and Jill potato chips", they will subtly be reminded of me. PERFECT.

DRINKS.
(Via DIY LOL).

Also, they always serve only mineral water in these plastic cups at funerals. And an assortment of Yeo's packet drinks. I would have a problem of these being served at my funeral as I HATE those plastic mineral water cup things. They are a reminder of

a) funerals, and
b) networking sesssions/conferences where I am forced to make awkward conversation with a bunch of strange people. KILL ME NOW.

And although I am quite fine with Yeo's packet drinks, my surname is not Yeo, and looking at a packet of Yeo's would not remind anyone of me. Instead, drinks served should be synonymous with the JAC brand. So, only Coke Light will be served. Sorry, all you health freaks and fitnuss nuts! But well, it's my funeral. (HAHA you see what I did there too?)
Jac and Coke Light, best friends since 2003. And this is me in 2005 and I look disgusting so I have blurred me out. OMG TRULY. I judge past me.

Okay and this, I think, concludes my funeral plans for now. So if I die prematurely, please tell my funeral planners to refer to this post okay! Or ghost me will surely haunt all of you.

And also to answer the question on whether I'd rather a paper BMW or paper Mercedes, HELLO?! If you want to pollute the atmosphere with noxious gasses then please make sure I at least get a paper Lambo out of it. If you are too cheapo to buy a paper Lambo for me, then you can go around collecting cigarette boxes and make a cigarette box Lambo for me. Just like how they did here!
(Via autoblog).

Also on what happens in my next life/ life after death/ eternal life? Well, I have you read about what I have to put up with at work? If I am to subscribe and believe in every thing that is shown on The Big Bang Theory, I'm going to be reborn as a well-hung billionaire with wings.



Okay and back to work.

❤ Jac.

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3 comments

  1. HAHAHAHAHA Hi Jac I want to be your friend. I laughed out loud when I read the ghost costume part. Wouldn't it be kind of awesome if everyonr wore a ghost costume to your funeral?! It'll be more like a welcome-to-the-other-world welcome party!

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  2. You are one funny mama! Hahaha. Thanks for a wonderful read (:

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  3. I love the way you write; I've been browsing through your blog and after seeing the picture above I realised you're from WKW! What a pleasant surprise - I'm currently studying there haha! :)

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