Saturday, November 24, 2012

Can you call me babe?

Hello! So all of you should know by now that when I'm blogging, I like to say that I work at Gong Cha. Well, that's really not tru...


So all of you should know by now that when I'm blogging, I like to say that I work at Gong Cha. Well, that's really not true. But it's really for your own safety that I keep the place where I work a secret you know. Because if I tell you, I'd have to kill you. (Oh wait, my boss David Petraeus resigned. I guess it's okay if I start telling everyone that I work for the CIA then).

ANYWAY. Working at Gong Cha is a very hazardous job. You meet all sorts of strange people who feel that because they are your regular customers/your colleagues/your boss/just happen to be buying a lot of Gong Cha on that day, they have the license to call you whatever they feel like.

Like there was this one guy. I think he's incapable of remembering my name. He calls me:

  1. Babe
  2. Gorgeous
  3. Chiobu
  4. Beautiful
  5. Precious
  6. Dear
Guess what? I too, have a special name for you. DOUCHEBAG. (I censored it because I am aware of my gender and I must be ladylike to prove my next point).

Then there's this other guy. I think he feels that I am not aware of my gender. I'm so confused by this. Because I wear dresses, skirts and heels. I also have long hair. I do not see why he feels the need to continually remind me of my gender by constantly addressing me as "GIRL".

Also the other day, he introduced me to person like this: "Jac is my girl for the highly-sensitive-national-security-I'll-have-to-kill-you-if-I-tell-you project." Like go fuck yourself. Really. I am truly not YOUR GIRL. The only circumstance where I would be your anything would be the day I shoot you in the head. Then I would be YOUR MURDERER.

Then just last week, I hit an epiphany! I realised that, maybe these guys are really stupid. Maybe they aren't blessed with common sense like the rest of us normal folk. Perhaps their almost non-existent brains are unable to process that all of us were given names for a reason, and that pet names should not flung freely around the workplace because really, that's what vulgarities are for.

So in light of that, I was inspired to come up with this very good flow chart for girls to share with guys. Because apparently, some guys do not know the correct way to address girls even after walking this Earth for four decades. So, if some asshole starts to use some pet name on you, you may ask him to refer this chart and consider addressing you with something more appropriate. Like for example, YOUR NAME.

And if you are a guy who wants to use pet names on girls, you might want to pretend that one of "your girls" shoved this chart into your face. And you might also want to start referring to it every time before you talk to a girl so that you won't grow to become that annoying 40+ year old guy in the workplace who goes around creeping girls out.

You start at the first question "Are we in a relationship". If your answer is "NO", follow the pink arrow. If your answer is "YES", follow the orange arrow. If your answer is "I don't know" then please go back to primary school and retake your PSLE.
SO! Which side did you end up on? If you ended up on Pour Some Sugar On Me, you've earned yourself the right to call the girl "babe"! As a reward, here's a good video for you!

If you ended up on the "Better Off Dead" side, then please listen to Sum 41's "Over My Head (Better Off Dead)" and feel emo/angsty/sorry for yourself forever. I don't really know what the song is about. I can only remember one line of it. And that's the line I would like to dedicate to you.

ANYHOW! I hope that clears things up. Of course, the chart just serves as a rough guideline and you must use your own discretion in some cases. For example, if the girl is making out with you, then by all means, call her whatever pet name you want.

Okay and that is all I have for today. I am now going to watch Castle and then go to sleep. Because this is what my life is about now. Nathan Fillion and sleep. Sadly, not concurrently.

❤ Jac.

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